How to reduce need for visual stimulation provided by porn

⏳ Delayed ejaculation
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TL:DR - Years of porn and masturbation have made me reliant on visual stimulation in order to climax. How can I rewire my brain?

More: I (58M) have a delicious new sex partner after nearly five years alone. During that time my sex life was solely masturbation, usually watching porn though I had a few go-to fantasies about my ex that would also do the trick.

A couple months ago an amazing woman dropped into my life. We quickly developed an active sex life that is quite amazing, with one issue - I just cannot cum with her.

I cut out the porn and kept my hands to myself as soon as we started having sex, giving my body and mind time to adjust. She then encouraged me to resume the self play (while telling me all about hers, which makes me hard as a rock) and I was able to ejaculate once on my own fantasizing about her, but that took some time.

I went back to abstaining on my own after that, again thinking my body needed to adjust. But this morning I could not hold back - I needed a release. After about 30 minutes of stroking I couldn’t take it anymore more and pulled out the phone. I watched a video of a woman masturbating and after about 30 seconds felt like the switch was flipped back on. I put the phone down, pivoted my thoughts to my new GF, and a big blast quickly followed.

It is readily evident that my brain is wired to need specific visual stimulation in order to climax. It seems so odd, as I have a beautiful, busty, naked woman riding me for all she is worth, and I cannot get there. Yet a few pixels of a complete stranger will get me off.

One thing I have done is take the pressure off in the moment, and not make sex a race for the finish line. I can stay hard the whole time, which my GF appreciates. The only downside is things don’t end with a big finish.

So this is a lot of rambling, but ultimately I want to get my mind and body adjusted to being in a couple again. Apart from giving it time and doing my best not to relapse, I was wondering if there are other things I can do to refocus my brain.

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I’m with ya brother!
I’m getting a handle on PED, but having a tough time with deathgrip. I’m 54 and I can wear myself out in 20-30 min of sex and then she tries to get me off till she falls asleep then I take over and it’ll sometimes take me 20-30 to get myself off.

Next morning- once she goes to work, I get much harder and can come almost at willl….

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If there is any consolation for me it is that I can get hard at the drop of a hat and stay there for a long time. The connection and intimacy with her are unlike anything I’ve felt before.

The other night we went for almost a full hour until she told me she was worn out. She tried to finish me with her hand, but no go. She keeps asking what she can do differently, and the answer is nothing. I’ve explained to her what I think is going on, and she seems to understand.

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UPDATE: It took some doing, but an extended session with my partner last night ended with one of the most explosive orgasms I can remember.

I still feel like I have a ways to go before my sexual response returns to the pre-porn level. But mindfulness, awarenss, grace, and a loving partner are all helping me regain control of my sexuality.

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Have you tried the guided masturbation in this app? It sounds like you have death grip and may need to rewrite pathways between your mind and penis.

I had something similar and I did the following:

  • no porn
  • no masturbation
  • 1 hour of social media a day (I even unfollowed OF models and thirst traps, any page that wasn’t a hobby of mine)

My initial goal was 14 days and to reintroduce solo play without visual stimulation. Well I managed almost 30 days before I had my first wank and I still haven’t watched porn (over 40 days now) or fell back into doom scrolling and following OF models. I’m sticking to one wank a week and not focusing on the finish, but exploring new strokes, using both hands, speeds, pressures, techniques, even trying to edge with control and breathwork.

Was it difficult? At first, extremely, but I used breathwork, grounding, distraction and even talking to the AI to get me through the early days.

Has it been worth it? Yes, mostly. I feel happier and more engaged with my wife and others. I don’t miss social media and with the three times I’ve jerked off I’ve learnt something new each time. Though I was expecting better climaxes, it hasn’t deterred me to keep on my path. As for actual sex, that’s still a mystery as not only am I suffering with ED, my wife has her own labido issues, so sex hasn’t happened yet. So I can’t tell you if it makes any difference there.

Good luck with your journey and kudos to your partner for understanding and trying to help

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Thank you for sharing. I hope you reach a new and fulfilling "normal " soon.