I started having ED towards the end of my first and only long term relationship about 7 years ago. It was the point in which a combination of studying and work drove me into constant hyper stress, something that I can only appreciate in hindsight, and it was compounded by the fact that we broke up shortly after.
For the following 3-4 yrs, I was working 24/7 so I didn’t have time to see any girl and regularly every night after work I would come home and watch porn. It was probably a way to take my mind off work, and I couldn’t feel the consequences as I didn’t have time to date anyone.
In the past 3 years, I have started seeing people sporadically and realised I had ED. Spoke with 2 psychologists and they were expensive and useless. Used the old version of the mojo app and it didn’t click. So the problem remained unresolved.
1.5 months ago I need this girl and I absolutely fall in love with. We live at a distance but manageable and I was making it work, so we saw each other 6-7 times over this period. Quit porn immediately after I met her, and I could fell the impact - I don’t have extreme images about sex in my head and we had very brief stints of sex when we saw each other (like 30 seconds with 2/3 hard). I still masturbated but only once a week (best I could do, I have an urge build up and can’t think about anything else)
Last 2 weeks we were apart, and I notice she sent a few weird messages which makes me think she got cold feet. So I relapse, masturbated 3 times (including same day as I saw her) and downloaded OF (first time ever lol). We get together and these isn’t even a remote chance it gets hard.
As politely as she could tell me, she tells me she doesn’t want to see me until I have sorted this issue. My hope was that she could be with me while I solved it, but maybe that’s too much - I don’t have any benchmark.
Where I did mistakes? I still had Instagram which is full of basically naked girls, I obviously relapsed and couldn’t stop masturbating. However, I honestly thing it’s just a question of time…
To conclude, I am totally devastated, I really want and value a long term relationship and what happened this weekend is the proof that it can’t happen until this is resolved. I am afraid it won’t get resolved if I am alone.
Any word of wisdom or support is appreciated…