When I was 20, my girlfriend was raped. I tried my best to be supportive, but I was too young and dumb to understand. I internalized it and was overcome by images, pain, and I even reacted selfishly. I even reconciled the act as something she set herself up to receive, which is wrong. It took me more than a decade to come to terms with it, and I can only describe it now as- I feel responsible for such acts specifically because I am a man. To my knowledge I have never taken or done anything non-consentual. I have always asked for clear consent, and I greatly enjoy making women feel good; sexually or otherwise. It’s kind of the only thing I feel like I can do in the place of ED. That probably sounds like I pedestal women or worship them, and whip myself but that’s not entirely true either. I just overwhelmingly believe that I am the inner monster that is capable of such harm in such intimate vulernability, and I despise that and therefore despise myself sexually.
Wondering if anyone in this community has a similar experience, and how you’re handling it.
The feminist media has made you believe you’re the problem, and that somehow you’re guilty by association. You are male, so you’ve committed the original sin - being somewhat similar to some rapist out there.
If you’re sitting there doubting yourself as to whether everything you’ve done is consensual, you are doing precisely what they want. They want men to be scared of sex and scared of taking power through sex. Now you feel like you have to ask permission for, and apologise for every thrust.
Fact of the matter is women like sex. Shock horror! And unless they were passed out drunk or made it somehow known to you that you were doing something inappropriate, and unless they looked too scared to act, and if they enthusiastically responded to you - and I am guessing if it’s even a question then they did - they you’ve done NOTHING WRONG.
As for whether you’re capable of such harm, sure you are. We all are “capable” of it. If you have two arms, two legs, and a penis, you are capable of it. People are capable of atrocious things. Look at the holocaust. Look at war crimes committed on villages by different invading armies. Gang rape and rape are actually a part of the human story. A savage and regrettable one, and one we should seek to do much better than, but the capacity exists in humans to do vile, disgusting things.
Are you going to though? Do you have urges to?
I am guessing no, or at most you may have developed an obsessive compulsive complex around thinking you might want to if you dont monitor yourself.
Well answer to that is still… no you don’t want to.
So chill out. You are a human being.
It’s time to stop hating yourself for being a man and buying into the lies.
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