Never had problems until my most recent partner. Sure a drunk night here or there. First two times we hooked up it couldn’t happen but I had been ingesting drugs/alcohol and so figured that’s all that’s going on. After a couple times it became a self fulfilling prophecy and I started to develop anxiety about it. We had penetrative sex once or twice and it was great but over the course of 2 months. I always engage in oral when I can and use my fingers and I know I do a good job with that. I get hard during foreplay or just cuddling sometimes but whenever it’s time to actually do it I can’t. Now I feel like she avoids sexual contact to save me the embarrassment. But obviously she is still here with me so it can’t be that bad and if I’m able to get hard around her I can reprogram myself to do it when it matters.
I have let down multiple first time partners due to overthinking getting an erection and then failing. These encounters have been when we were drinking so I would always just blame it on the alcohol but really that’s never the case. I have noticed when I am honest with a partner on my issue and become comfortable with them then the issue of getting/maintaining an erection is not as evident.
I have been a girl 3 times recently. Every time she was very complimentary of my ability to get her to the big O as often as she required. But only by foreplay leading to oral and hand work. But as soon as she said come on time for you to get really involved, my erection died. Not long after that we parted company.
We were so into each other, I can’t believe we didn’t do it or I didn’t make enough foreplay. I can’t believe it happened again
Mind Reading- Something was going on the other side too. How do you know it was only your fault.
There’s no evidence she was disappointed.
Fortune Telling
How are you going to assume it’s going to happen again?
You did initially do it very drunk the first time ever
You were so into each other, but were also so blacked out
You didn’t get her wet, is it you or her, i don’t know. but you can still change that by doing stuff further.
Stop thinking about the event being “due”, just go with the experience and take it from there.
You have been working with Mojo, it sounds so similar to us, we will keep and figure it out.
I thought my partner was disappointed at my softening during sex. She has never communicated that to me.
I am dating a new woman and the first time we had sex I lost my erection. We cuddled for a bit I got hard again and we had great sex for the second round. However next time we had sex I was extremely anxious about losing it again and I lost it during foreplay.
It makes me feel as if something is wrong with me and I’m not enough of a man. I worry that I leave her feeling disappointed and insecure.
When I’m completely calm and in the moment I have no issue getting an erection with or without pills and I completely confident in my ability to satisfy my partner.
I often feel I will never be able to satisfy the person I love the most
Fact check: she has told me multiple times she wants to be with me for me …and will work on this erection issue together with me
I am not going to get hard. I can reprogram it by saying, that is your inner critic, you fucked your wife yesterday!
The thought: Why can’t I just be normal?
Reprogrammed: I am normal, these issues are relatively common. I am worthy, valuable, and lovable as I am.
The thought: I can’t believe this happened again. She must be so disappointed and just said she likes giving head to make me feel better.
Reprogrammed: It is a bummer it happened again, but if I relax for a bit I’ll probably be able to get it up again in a bit. I have no evidence to not believe what she says. And the last time this happened we just took a break, and then were able to have good sex to orgasm, there’s no reason that can’t happen again.
It’s difficult to “reprogram” a thought when you honestly believe it to be true
I could only get semi-hard with my partner during foreplay. I felt like a failure for not being able to satisfy her. However, we discussed and she was appreciative and supportive and showed no signs that I failed her. I can continue to satisfy her and will get myself back into being able to get fully hard.
I don’t understand why I couldn’t keep it up.
Reframed, I understand that my activity level and diet could have been a factor. Mixed with negative thinking, I didn’t give myself a chance. Going forward, I know what to work on.
Last time we canoodled, I couldn’t get hard while going down on her. I felt frustrated by my once again failure to harden.
She still came, very hard. And seemed to really enjoy our time together. She still ants to keep getting together. I need to relax and enjoy the moment, whatever it is.
I need to just focus on pleasing my wife, I initiated sex recently with this mindset (genuinely), it actually worked, not perfectly but she didn’t notice it going a bit softer a couple of times.
It occurs to me that I’ve always had anxiety about sex or even initiating sex, I think it’s related to confidence and I’ve been using alcohol to try work around it. Knowing that, with some work I can fix this.
That I cannot get an erection even looking at her body
“Just because I lost my erection I am less attractive to my partner.” Which I know isn’t true for my current date - he is very into me and forgiving and we have had amazing sex before. I also think I need to figure out how to read when my body is stressed and find ways to be more relaxed and fluid like him.
She is only having sex with me because she feels sorry for me.
Definitely I think that it’s not going to work that is I wouldn’t get erection as I couldn’t the last time even with major foreplay
But will see what CBT does
I get incredibly frustrated at the repetition of the process. I love it when I am kissing and making out with my wife I get very hard but when she starts touching me or pleasing me my brain takes over telling me I’m not good enough and it will go soft again. I have to remind myself that she wants me. She loves me and loves our intimacy. She