- fortune telling: i always predict or set the expectation that I won’t stay hard enough or cum. I think I exerted myself trying to overcompensate for that possibility and made it harder to get comfortable and hard. Alternatively I need to better preserve my energy and ask for my partner to stimulate me so that I can be more in the moment vs be driven by the prophecy
-Fortune telling: Before my partner and I even started foreplay, I was already anxious that I wouldn’t be able to stay hard during sex. Sure enough, I went soft in the middle of it, which stressed me out even more as I feared I’ll never be able to enjoy sex again without worrying about it.
-I’ve had sex loads of times where the thought of going soft never crossed my mind because I was enjoying the experience so much.
-I was sleep-deprived (for a month at that point) and I was already stressed out about performing. It makes sense that I wasn’t able to enjoy sex, therefore, keeping my erection hard.
Disqualifying the positive thinking that my partner did not enjoy sex because of the experience she has. She told me that she would love to have rough sex next time and I immediately thought she did not enjoy the sex we’ve had for like 2 hours. Obviously she enjoyed it very much and I think it’s normal that I feel intimidated by her past experience. We talked about it and she understood that I may need some guidance into want she wants. At the end of the talk she told me she was starting to fall in love with me so I’ve really been imagining the worst for no reason
My current partner and I see other people too. I worry that I don’t match up to others. She never says this. She keeps saying all the right things and clearly enjoys spending time with me. We have an amazing heart-based sexual connection. I can relax and enjoy. Let go of all hang ups and get into the moment.
I don’t feel turned on.
I feel too much pressure.
I don’t feel my dick.
My thoughts are racing.
Not turned on because I’m not totally relaxed. I don’t feel at ease. I’m not present to the moment. I’m not truly myself. Be myself. So what moves me. Don’t focus on impressing her. Focus on expressing. Know myself.
I put pressure because somewhere I don’t want to disappoint people. People pleasing. Work on self worth, feeling enough, intrinsic value.
I don’t feel my dick literally because I’m so in my head. Relax.
My thoughts race because I don’t trust my own faculties. Enjoy the process and trust my instincts.
I keep shying away from sex because I feel if I can’t get it up and maintain it, then what’s the point!
I’m sick of believing I can’t do it - I can do it. There’s nothing physically wrong with me, I make the problems myself in my head. I’m over it, no more. I can do it.
I do a couple. But the big one that spirals into some of the other categories is, I think I place a lot of pressure on myself when things are beginning to get intimate usually during the kissing/touching phase. I start thinking things like; “hey I should be getting an erection any minute now”, “you have an absolutely beautiful girl ready to have sex with you why aren’t you getting hard”. Then because of my ideology that no woman should have to see my flaccid penis while getting intimate, I start mind reading, like “she’s probably thinking that we’ve been kissing a long time now she’s probably ready to have sex now”. Then obviously if I can’t get hard it goes into a all or nothing, then by the end of the experience it becomes a over generalization of I probably won’t ever get hard for this girl ever. The most frustrating thing is this hasn’t always been the case for me. And even more frustrating, I have absolutely no problems getting the girls I want to have sex with me. But my constant lack of erections have been taking a toll and now it’s the most dreadful mental battle.
Instead of just being able to perform in the bed with getting erect it seems like it make it more of a challenge to myself is it going to get hard this time
I need to keep thoughts like that out of my head but find it hard to keep them out
Last time I was in bed with my girlfriend I only got erect once or twice for a period of 2-3 mins over 90+ mins of foreplay/kissing.
I thought this not normal, that I should be hard and aroused because she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I was enjoying it, feeling pretty comfortable but my dick just refused to get up. (Categorical Imperative)
Out of the ~100 times I have tried to have sex over my lifetime, I have never been hard long enough for me to pleasure my partner with penetrative sex, so it will take a miracle for it to happen and for me to keep a girlfriend for more than a couple of months (fortune telling)
Truth is I am probably still a little anxious inside and still perform spectatoring, which distracts me from the pleasurable sensations of sex. As I build my confidence little by little through small wins, I should eventually cure my ED.
Started to lose my erection during sex and started to get embarrassed and ashamed. I started to worry that i wouldn’t be able to continue. Partner
said they didn’t even notice that I was loosing it. They were still satisfied and enjoying it.
I’m always worried that I won’t get hard for my wife…if I initiate and don’t get hard then she will think it’s her fault. “I’m not 100% confident I’ll get hard so I’ll avoid sex tonight…maybe tomorrow”
I let my wife down because i could not ejaculate because I lost my erection thus decreasing the odds of pregnacy. I will never get her pregnant
Overgeneralization
Prior to the miscarriage i got her pregnant before. I have ejaculated many times before.
Even if i lose my erection we can always try again when i have a clearer mindset.
Assuming my partner doesn’t want to be with me because I couldn’t get hard before sex
I majorly catastrophise and I need to be kinder to myself when things don’t go to plan
I didn’t get hard with my girlfriend last night, but we had non-penetration sex. I worry she might want to leave.
This is mind reading and catastrophizing.
Facts: We did have sex. She made sure she was happy for us and suggested that sex doesn’t have to be penetrational to be real. Then we talked about other issues to relieve pressure on us before we went to sleep.
Alternative: I am happy that we did do something. I will try and cultivate trust, warmth and compassion in this relationship and not worry about ending it.
2 examples:
1.
So frustrated this is happening again, it feels like I’m back at square one
Category - overgeneralisation
Facts: it’s been a long time since the last time we tried
New thought: it’s only natural that after a long time I might end up taking a step back, but it’s only temporary and I will surely reach where I was faster than getting to there the first time
Next time I have sex I’m going to struggle to get it up again
Category - fortune telling
Facts: there’s no evidence that that’s true, although it might happen next time, but that doesn’t mean it will happen every time
New thought: next time might show progress, but if not it’s still okay, not every day can be a success
I struggle to get hard with my partner and feel like a disappointment to them. But we’re in an open relationship and it doesn’t always happen with the other people I meet. Why does it only happen with my partner? Is it because I’m more emotionally committed perhaps and therefore under more (self inflicted) pressure?
Why can’t I get it up during foreplay, my wife wants to make love she’s half naked in our bed. Why am I not hard like when I masturbate, why is my dick not hard. If I don’t get hard she will not want to make love for awhile. She will be disappointed again.
Fact-my wife understands all the time she is very understanding. It’s almost like she doesn’t care.
We have tried a second attempt about 1/2 the time when I haven’t stayed hard.
Positive thought- My penis gets hard and stays hard, I pleasure my hot wife 90% of the time. She enjoys making love just as much as I do.
It’s normal get hard then loss a little of the erection then get hard again. It’s a cycle.
I felt like my partner was disappointed that I couldn’t get hard. => Mind Reading
I have no evidence of this and in fact she mentioned that she was concerned that it was due to her I couldn’t get hard. She also assured me that things were OK, mentioning we were both drinking alot.