Reprogram your negative thoughts exercise

When my partner and I start to get frisky, there’s no expectation that it has to become intercourse and stress me out. I should just enjoy the moment and enjoy each other’s bodies which really helps me relay.

Last night I couldn’t get it up full stop - even after taking a Viagra. This lead me to think that the girl I was with would think I didn’t like her. It’s embarrassing.

She stayed the night and said that we should see each other again.

I couldn’t stay hard last night

She didn’t seem to care at all or mention it

It hasn’t happened every time so no idea if it will happen again.

All I thought about was if I could get hard or not. It makes sense I was stressed
out and worried.

The past 3 nights I’ve tried to have sex with my wife I’ve gone soft. I let my daily anxieties intrude in the bedroom. My brain says “we are having sex tonight UNLESS I start to worry about not getting hard or guilt from past sexual issues.”

This is factual, because worrying is the cause. But I’ve sought help and truth from wise people and spiritually for my worries and proven them not entirely valid. My brain and body might still worry, but I have no obligation to perfectly solve it before having sex again. Sex can be wholesome and fun and positive, separate from my issues.

Most times with my new partner, I lose my erection 10 minutes or less into sex and it is always once I start concentrating on not losing the erection so that I can get her off. Once I start panicking about not being able to get her off it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I simply need to relax, and have fun and not worry about it.

Overgeneralising / Fortune Telling: I do get an erection sometimes, and the main reason I don’t is in my head. If I can overcome that, I will get erections and the prophecy won’t fulfil itself. I just need to break the cycle.
Catastrophising: She has a right to be upset and/or angry. I don’t make enough effort to fix my problem.

I have never had sex before so I keep thinking what if I am incapable. But then I realize that me and my partner are both virgins and sex is a skill that takes time to learn and practice. I shouldn’t see it as myself failing as a man but rather as just lack of experience that will come with time.

I also worry that because we haven’t had sex yet that other people view our relationship as not real or strong. But I can reprogram this to be instead all that matters is what she and I feel for each other, and that sex is only one part of a relationship, which again we are both working on together.

My biggest problem is worrying how things will go! Not are going! I always doubt my capabilities and get overly anxious when in the nigh (even the days) leading to a night out with a girl, especially if i know she wants sex.

Thoughts like, i’m going to go through this again aren’t I? She’s gonna judge me if i loose it or don’t get hard. - this is not true since this only happened twice with 2 different partners, with the first the experience was terrible since she was my first and i didn’t know how to handle the situation. With the second, i just joked about it and in the second encounter everything went well (even though negative thoughts were running through my head). So there is no need to think that way.

I guess all i want is to be in the moment, i want everything to come naturally, no panic, just enjoying the moment.


This past weekend I was having sex with my partner and mid way I lost my erection. I communicated to her what has been going with me for the past couple of months and she said she understood what I was going through and didn’t judge me. We resumed a while later and was able to finish. It could be the problem I’m facing is that I am catastrophizing or mind reading. Next time I will not do that and talk to myself in that it is normal what I’m going through and stay focused on the experience.

-“Last time I had sex, I was hard but then I lost in when I tried penetration”
– “My partner is going to be disappointed and ask why I lost my erection”
–"Why can’t I keep an erection?’

-“I’ve maintained an erection many times before, so I know that I am capable of it”
-“My partner will be understanding as long as she knows I am willing to communicate this problem with her and that I am making every effort to fix it”

Last time I had sex, I had an erecting but wasn’t able to cum. Negatives: why aren’t I cumming? We’ve been going for a while? What is going on?

I should’ve just stayed in the moment

We eventually stopped without me cumming. She wasn’t bothered at all, we just went and had brunch.

Alternative thought: we tried, but obviously I just wasn’t feeling it, and that’s ok. I’m not a teenager anymore after all

I probably fit into 3 categories mind reading,fortune telling and categorical imperative

The last time I had sex, I got an erection during foreplay but when it was time to penetrate I went soft.

I was really irritated with myself and starting getting into my head, saying to myself, why me, why is this happening again, is this my life? I felt really stupid and less of a man.

These thoughts were overgeneralizing catastrophizing.

Although I wasn’t able to penetrate initially, after a pause and then some kissing and touch, I was able to get hard and penetrate to ejaculation. I don’t have any proof that my partner was upset between attempt 1 and 2. My partner initiated the touch and kissing that started the second erection. My partner knows that I am working on this issue and has been caring and helpful.

My partner isn’t affectionate by nature and I am, it can be hard to get into the zone of sex with her sometimes when I feel like I’m expected to perform and she comes across as cold, it gives me minor anxiety.

She said she enjoyed although I had to finish her with my finger. I thought she only said that to make me comfortable with the situation.

Negative thought - my partner is just saying I satisfy her to reassure me . She’s lying

Positive thought - I can stay hard through sex even if I’m in my head . She stays with me and loves me , and enjoys sex with me . She is supportive and wants to work with me through it and communicates .

Negative thought: I always fail to get hard. Every time. It’s been like this almost my whole life so there’s something fundamentally wrong with me and I’ll never be able to fix it. I will be alone forever because of it.

Alternative: I haven’t tried anything really practical to fix it before. I’m now taking positive steps to work on the problem and will get better in the future.

I am such a disappointment to myself, and to my girlfriend, because I was unable to maintain my erection. (Emotional reasoning, mind reading, all-or-nothing thinking.)

Evidence for:
- I was unable to meet my own expectations.

Evidence against:
- She has never said that I've disappointed her. She 	always tries to support me.
- It has not happened every time.

Alternative thought:
- I was putting myself through a lot of extra stress, anxiety, and pressure leading up to it. Without trying to calm myself down and focus on the positive in the moment, I started a negative thought feedback loop, which became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I had erection problems since the start of our relationship. I always thought she was going to leave me which made me feel worse. But every time I couldn’t get it up, she just said that she’s here for me and wants to talk if I’m stressed about anything. A year later and she’s still here and our sex life has gotten a lot better. She’s still understanding and supportive. My worst fears never happened and I was worried for a uncertain future

Women don’t understand. Last time it happened, she accused me of not fancying her anymore, and I do. That shit doesn’t help.