Reprogram your negative thoughts exercise

Last time I tried to have sex, I could not get hard. I had taken viagra and had become hard whilst waiting for her to come out of the bathroom, as she got into bed and I was thinking about it, I lost my erection. When we started kissing nothing was happening and even after I went down on her I had no erection at all. I was only focusing on this instead of the whole experience. Fact: I have got hard with her before so can get hard again. Fact: she truly does not mind and there are other ways to please her other than penetration. I did become hard later in the night when the pressure had gone so with the right mindset I can when needed

Was really waiting for this course. 100% me. Having many girl friends, I had the opportunity to discuss all these topics with them to truly understand their point of view, and not my girlfriend’s or sex partner’s which I inevitably believe to be nice to me and not say what they really think.
I really struggle to get out of my mind that losing my erection makes me a lesser man. Like many of us here I suppose, I learned how to be good with my fingers and tongue, but you still feel there is something missing (fact: I was yesterday talking to one of those friends about vibrators, and how I feel insecure towards them because they give my girlfriend orgasms in a few seconds. How to compete with that. And this friends “reassured” me saying vibrators are nice for a very quick go at it, but nothing matches the feeling of a d*ck. Didn’t reassure me much as you can guess ;))
Alongside that, it makes me feel insecure in the fantaisies of my girlfriend, or what she thinks of when touching herself. She’ll imagine something like being taken against the wall, arriving home. And that doesn’t happen, because of the time it takes to get hard. It’s rely when it wants. And I seem incapable of keeping it. After a few minutes of penetration, I just go soft. If I don’t completely shut down, I try going down on her, hopefully it gets back up, and then repeat the process…

All my negative thoughts sre false

It doesn’t happen every time, so I don’t have to make it such a big deal. I’m overreacting from the first time it happened recently, and spiraling for no reason. I’ve put a lot of stress on myself recently, so that’s what’s been affecting my performance. I’ve also let the inner critic talk badly about me and her too much. I have no evidence my partner was disappointed or thought I was less of a man. In fact, I made her orgasm and she supported me through the experience. She’s the best.

I’ve struggled to keep it up the past 2 times, so it makes sense that my fight or flight was on overdrive.

“Kissing a girl in nightclub couldn’t feel any pleasure at all”
“She definetly knows that Im not hard”- mind reading, “Get up, get up, why are you not aroused at all”-
“When I calmed down and saw her again, I felt aroused, I felt in the moment and wasn’t thinking about anything.”
“Your inner critic jumps in immeadietly without you noticing.”

I was waiting for the chapter. It resonates a lot with me. Those negative thoughts have been following me for ever, and impacting my day to day life. I lose so much confidence through them. Feel like a lesser man. Like many others here I guess, I learned how to use properly my fingers and tongue. However, having the chance to discuss with many lady friends, foreplay is only part of it; penetration is still part of the whole scenario. So I feel, when (which is always the case) that I soften whilst being inside my partner, she feels frustrated because I didn’t “perfect” everything. And even though she says it’s fine, that I go down on her etc, I just cannot get over the idea I’m shit, that she fantasies on other dudes who always stay rock hard, etc. Completely stupid, I know it, yet I sincerely can’t get it out of my thoughts. Any suggestions would be welcome…
Keep your spirits high lads.

Last time I had sex, it was very built up so during foreplay I started feeling stressed about not getting and maintaining an erection.
”Oh no I am in the wrong mode and getting hot- no erection”
”Is it really gonna work?

To be kinder to myself I was very tired and tje conditions was not ideal, my parents were outside the room and everything.
It has not happened in a long time so I should just relax a bit, not be to hard on myself.

Lost erection during foreplay, before moving onto sex. I thought at the time, she must be so sick of this - mind reading.

I don’t have any evidence that she thought this, she was calm afterwards and she knows I have a problem at the moment and is relaxed about it. We’re married and have been together for nearly 7 years. We are least progressing towards family formation via another method.

She demonstrates often that she loves me and that she isn’t disappointed in me. She is relaxed about the issue now and knows from what source it comes. Plus the issue is only about 6 months old and came off the back of a sudden period of illness, hospitalisation and recovery.

At the time I said to myself, I just don’t know why I lose it - over-generalisation

I don’t lose it all the time. I am capable of getting and keeping one, by myself, over quite a long period, many minutes with little stimulation on my part.

I lose it often in foreplay because I get into spectatoring and get stuck inside my own head unable to relax and let go.


I can’t believe that it is always happening before penetration. I’ll never be able to do it.
All-or-nothing thinking & overgeneralization
I feel like some progression in my mind and in my sexual life, more confident in myself and my partner, and I know that even if it doesn’t work we have a lot of pleasure and fun, and that’s the most important. It will come when I won’t see it coming.
I realize I was a bit stressed, but i feel more.and more relaxed. And it doesn’t matter, as I’m.happy with my partner.

  • I failed to perform with a new girlfriend.
  • I thought I was a failure, am embarrassment and there was something wrong with me.
  • I was intimidated by this person into having sex too soon after a breakup.
  • That was a bad time for me to have sex. I needed time to process the recent breakup. I had no issues with my previous ex. This will improve with time.

I put all the pressure on myself to have an erection. If I don’t I feel as if I am completely disappointment my wife. I feel as if she won’t love me or thinks that I don’t find her attractive. Both of these are of course not true. I just can’t seem to get them out of my head. It’s definitely an all or nothing proposition. I have to reframe this and understand that it’s never all or nothing. If sex occurs this is excellent if it does not this is OK.


It’s only happened with partners that I’ve felt more for than just a ‘one night stand’ or if i pre-empt that i feel im going to start liking them, i start getting soft

  • Last time I had sex doggy-style (an absolute favourite), I lost my erection during sex.
  • I can’t believe this is happening during doggy-style, this never happens. If it can happen here, it can happen anywhere and this won’t be a ‘safe’ position anymore.
    Definitely all-or-nothing and over generalized.
    It very rarely happens during doggy style. Usually, I’m able to finish and maintain an erection during that position.
    Really, the overwhelming likelihood is that if I make it sex in this position, I’ll be fine and able to maintain an erection and finish.

-i kept getting soft and hard randomly during oral sex and couldn’t finish for a whole hour and found it hard to focus on just taking it and enjoying it. I disappointed her by not cumming and going soft randomly
•she said she had fun doing so and was turned on by it and even liked the feeling of it getting hard in her mouth. She said it was thick and big so she isn’t ashamed of my size. I just got back from bootcamp and still associating so it makes sense I was a bit stressed and still working on focusing on the moment and chill atmosphere again. She successful made me hard and I enjoyed her a lot.
-she wanted to preform oral sex again but I couldn’t get hard at all and I felt embarrassed when she saw my flaccid cock.
•it was an awkward position for me and I was kind of mentally uncomfortable by the atmosphere. She didn’t say anything rude and didn’t even seem disappointed so logically I shouldn’t think she thought it was embarrassing at all infact she was very understanding. I was still worried about her judging my flaccid cock so it makes sense I was a little stressed for her to see it despite her not being unimpressed by my cock flaccid or hard.

  • felt ashamed and embarrassed, felt bad for her hoped she didn’t think it was about her. It’s very rare for it to happen, we still had sex and it was good. Everything was normal after that, it’s much more in my head than hers.

At the party I couldn’t get an erection.
I was letting down the other members of the friendly group I formed. They thought it would be easy for me.
I felt ashamed in front of my wife.
This falls into categorical imperative and mind reading.
My wife was still kind to me. The “friends” were still into me sexually.

They would be willing to try again.
Many people were attracted to me.

  • I was doing fine until penetration and then lost my erection.
  • That was disappointing to me and my partner. This happens all the time. How can I trust my erection will last when it’s important
  • mind reading, overgeneralization, fortune telling
  • this has happened before during penetration. my partner told me she felt very happy and satisfied. I was able to use my fingers to satisfy her. we used one of her condoms which was too tight and fumbled with it. I did stay hard for a few minutes. We haven’t had sex in awhile. We are having some relationship difficulties. I’ve stayed hard during penetration with other partners
  • it’s understandable I was tense and had some difficulties given the uncertainty in our relationship and the difficulties with the condom.

I can’t believe I can’t get it up, my dream girl is right here and I can’t fucking so anything. I know that she’s disappointed and she’s going to tell all of her friends.

That night we were able to get close and we were able to laugh about it. She told me that it wasn’t a deal breaker and that there would be other opportunities