Reprogram your negative thoughts exercise

I often struggle to get an erection, and often have to think to be with someone else instead than my boyfriend. Once I get horny, I usually stay al for a while.
Sometimes i struggle to keep it hard when I have to switch position, it feels like a prophecy.
My partner instead is always horny, and in my catastrophizing thoughts, he will leave me at some point for insatisfaction.

I came 2 days ago so this next time is going to be hard to get up.

  • last time we had sex I didn’t get hard while I was going down on her, it didn’t ruin my experience but she has expressed that she’s upset that doing it doesn’t “turn me on”
  • I woke up in the middle of the night later that night and we had intense, spontaneous sex that was great
  • I sometimes focus on events where I lost my erection or didn’t get “hard enough” rather than remember and focus on moments when I did; this takes me out of the moment at hand and leads to me spectatoring

couldn’t get it up in foreplay

  • “you’re a failure and she thinks so too”
  • she will support you just like how you support her

  • “this is your future now”
  • this just started so you’ll be able to improve soon”

Still struggling with negative thoughts about my erection. My girlfriend is very understanding and supportive, yet I feel like I’m letting her down.

I have many of these traits. In particular I recently found myself disqualifying the positive. I had several episodes of poor erection with my GF and it became a negative loop. Each time performing worse since I was scared of the next happening, her getting frustrated. I get caught in the loop of these thoughts, and then can’t focus on the connection that we have and relax. I have also started to catastrophize things, especially as she tells me she is not fully satisfied in our sex life. Its difficult to break this pattern…

Last time i was with a partner, when we started getting intimate (kissing) and during foreplay i was really aroused but when it came down to having sex i kept losing my erections. I was frustrated that this keeps happening to me, that’ll I’m cursed with erection problems forever and that my partner will be disappointed and never want anything to do with me again. Later on we ended up having sex but I didn’t last long enough for her to cum

Reframe: my partner enjoys being with me whether we have sex or not. My erection difficulties aren’t permanent and will go away over time and healing.

I lost my erection just before sex and made an excuse to stop. I’m worried I won’t be able to have sex of this keeps happening. I am sick of it and I feel like I’m letting my partner down.
I have a good erection during foreplay and messing around.
I have got better with my partner touching it.
It seems to be lasting longer.

I couldn’t get hard at the start, then when I did it didn’t last for long, while she had it in her mouth.

As soon as she started a blowjob I was thinking that this is only going to end up in me getting soft. Thinking that because it was our first time together she’s going to think less of me.

That doesn’t happen every time, and I know I’m not a massive fan of blowjobs anyway. I know that she liked me and straight after was talking about our next date and wanting to see me since. It was overall a really good night, and I made her cum so she can’t have been too disappointed.

I am not hard enough. FACTS: I am hard enough and the hardness will fluctuate during sex,
I will no be able to feel I am hard enough. FACTS: when I tense I feel less of my partner. When I relax and focus on how she feels, I become more aroused. Focus on the way she feels physically.

Some of these things are actually true and not just negative self talk

Over generalization is my main problem. I’ve had enough times I’ve psyched myself out that I’m often triggering fight or flight. When in reality I’m able to satisfy my partner more often than not, including penetration

“what a perfect moment, it would suck if i ruined it due to my dick not being hard enough”
For : it’s kinda true that being soft got the atmosphere a bit colder
Against : it didn’t ruin it all since she was super nice with it and still had great intimacy. The next day we went to have amazing sexe .
Alternative thought :
“What a great moment, let’s just enjoy it together”

Each time we have sex I’m a ticking time bomb of losing my erection and ruining the night. It makes my wife feel unattractive and unloved, and meanwhile I come off as emotionally distant and disengaged.

Alternate thoughts: There are times where you’ve lost your erection, only to relax, regain it and finish, both with your wife and during masterbation. You love your wife and she is beautiful. Stay in the moment with her and you will relax and things will be ok.

  • I constantly lost my erection during sex with my partner.
  • I felt ashamed… less of a man and disappointed in myself. I was questioning what was wrong with my body and my mind.
  • It doesn’t happen everytime. She was understanding and didn’t seem to be worried about it. She was not disappointed
  • Why aren’t I getting hard? This must mean that you don’t find her attractive or that you’re not into her; this is the first time you’re getting with the girl of your dreams… of course you’re nervous, it’s completely normal to me
  • She must think I’m a wimp for not being able to get hard; she still thinks very highly of me and was very supportive
  • This happened once with a girl you were really into and you were nervous the couple times after that, so you’re never going to be able to natural, nervousness-free sex again; I’ve had sex 50+ times before that incident with no issue, it was a one off thing and you’re completely normal.
  • I’ve been in this slump for almost a year now, so you’re never going to get out of it; you’re not in any “slump”, you’re completely fine. There’s 1000s of guys who have had the same thoughts and have resolved their situations completely.

I couldn’t get it up and therefore I’m disappointing my partner

  • well I’m not disappointing my partner and she’s very understanding and knows that this is an obstacle that will go away with time and practice

I wasn’t able to get hard last time so this time I won’t either

  • no, you were able to get hard plenty of other times and had satisfied sex. just because it happened last time it does not mean it will happen again

She’s put on sexy lingerie, music and candles and I didn’t get it up. That’s going to make her even more disappointed. I’m such a let down and couldn’t handle the pressure. She’s going to leave me.
Alternative: I made her cum and pleasured her and I was terrified as she has discussed breaking up so it was normal that I couldn’t get hard.

I’ve been trying lately to go back to the beginning. How I used to be able to get so rock hard for the sexy partners I’ve had. How much I’ve been turned on by them. What’s stopping that now? Lately it’s been “I am not getting hard. This erection is weak. Fuck, there it goes getting limp again. Damn, she’s gonna tell all her friends about this. Damn, it went so soft and it looks so small. She don’t want that”. Truth is, I been driving this girl crazy for the D. She wants it badly. So I still have a chance to turn this around. Keeping her waiting May be a disadvantage for me, but evidence shows for now that she is horny for me. Therefore, I can work on me getting out of my head.

-Sometimes I take a pill if I’m feeling extra pressure. Last time we had sex, I didn’t and my erection didn’t last. I was disappointed in myself but she told me she was satisfied.
-The weekend before when we had sex, I didn’t take a pill and I worried my erection wouldn’t last. It was fluctuating but instead of being down on myself, I weathered the storm and we had some of the best sex to date
-My partner is understanding and it seems as if I’m the only one putting pressure on me to perform