I am deeply caught in a cycle of fortune telling which then builds into a cycle of all or nothing when the moment arrives. I need to take away expectations and be present in the moment with a wife I deeply love and have had amazing sex with for many years. I guess that the expectation from past experiences with her has increased the pressure I have to perform. I just want to get back to those days. I know I can.
I often think because I don’t immediately have an erection during foreplay that there’s something wrong with me and that I’ll never get an erection. Maybe I just need to take more time getting to that point and not put pressure on myself. It’s the reason I go into fight or flight mode immediately.
I’m familiar with this. It is good.
If I don’t get it hard now it’s not gonna last forever
Its happening again. I may as well give up
A long term friendship has just developed into a sexual relationship. I stayed hard when she was on top but my erection disappeared when I was on top.
I think it’s because when she’s in charge I can tell she’s enjoying it, but I can’t when I’m in charge. I satisfied her with my fingers and mouth after. She loves penetration though and I’m worried she’ll only have e patience for so long.
I’m not meant to have sex
I was having a real hot conversation with another guy at the bathhouse, and while I should’ve been semi hard or turned on, I wasn’t. He went to grab me down there, and I was shrunken and completely soft. He lost interest immediately and that was the end of that. I’m often faced with these types of situations where I should be able to respond, but instead, I’m disappointed.
Tonight’s a night for us to have sex with the house to ourselves and I hope “it” works
“Oh no it’s gonna happen again”
4 months ago we had amazing sex multiple times while away for a long weekend. Nothing has drastically changed since then except the arrival of the voice that is my inner critic.
- last time I had sex, got nervous during oral, went soft, never got it back.
- “If I don’t get and stay hard enough for oral/penetrative sex, my partners will be disappointed, even if they say otherwise, and will not want to be with me anymore.”
- Disqualifying the positive, Catastrophizing
- My partners keep coming back for more, they tell me it’s normal and they can have fun in many ways. My partners always orgasm and seem relaxed and satisfied after.
- my partners would love to have penetrative sex, but are happy being close/intimate with me and like the full experience, not just the one kind of activity. My partners are telling the truth and keep being with me because they want to, not because they feel obligated or pity me.
I’m
I’m such a loser. (Emotional reasoning/overgeneralization)-reframe: im actually a very sensual lover and she enjoys being with me.
What was I thinking. There’s no way I’ll be able to do this. There’s no way I’ll be able to satisfy her. (Fortune telling/catastrophizing) -reframe: I will be able to make this work if I put in the work myself.
I might as well just break up with her now because I can’t do this. (All or nothing/catastrophizing) - reframe: I can do this if I focus on my love for her and I try to do everything I can to make her happy
She needs another guy to satisfy her because I can’t do it. (Mind reading/disqualifying the positive) - reframe: she enjoys having sex with me and is willing to go through this awkward phase until we figure out our chemistry and rhythm
Facts: She says she loves me. She says we don’t need to have an open relationship where she sees other guys. She says my penis is big enough. She says she loves having sex with me. She has never given me a hard time for not getting an erection. I was able to get very hard the next time, even though I came fast. However, the time after that, I got hard and lasted longer, so things are improving.
She’s going to be disappointed in the fact that I couldn’t keep an erection for sex and use that against me.
- she said the opposite, hasn’t stopped communication with me, and this catastrophe has never happened with previous partners
Last time together with my partner I couldn’t achieve an erection during foreplay, I know it makes her feel as inadequate as me
We both know that I can get erections from foreplay and understand it’s a anxiety issue
I am afraid to even initiate sex because I’m afraid I will let down my beautiful wife. It has created fights and that has made my anxiety around sex worse. I want to figure this out so bad because I love sex and I love my wife!
I can’t go after the girl that I really want because once I have performance issues in bed, they’ll not want to date me anymore
I put way too much pressure on myself to perform and although sex is generally good when hard, when I go soft I then go into panic mode and feel a failure
Regardless of how the last link up went; doesn’t mean you have to go into the next one with that same energy. In having sex there no wrong or right way of doing it soo have fun and allow yourself to be free of the unnecessary expectations you put on yourself.
Reading these comments has made me feel so much better. We all have near enough the same experience, which likely means we all have near enough the same issue. If one of us can change for the better, with time and a personal approach, we all can. It’s clear that anxiety is playing a big role, which reaches its peak for us during foreplay. My goal is to reframe foreplay as a fun exercise, instead of one I should be spectatoring my penis on during to make sure I’m hard enough. If I’m not hard enough, that’s ok, I’ll just move on and work to be even better next time.
Old thoughts:
1.- I won’t get it up and I have to be hard
2.- We will be alone, and I must get hard
3.- If I don’t get hard she will be disappointed and leave me
My new thoughts are:
1.-I can’t get hard, because is the future, we don’t know what would happen in the future
2.- I can get hard if the scenario situation and sensations are good
3.- You have no evidence of something of the Future that hasn’t happened yet