This thinking of I couldn’t last time so it won’t happen again. Even if I get hard I’m going to lose it again. I just can’t silence that voice right now and even though my partner is understanding it hurts as I feel I let her down
I’ve had an experience where foreplay lead to sex but I came right before she did and felt ashamed because she didn’t get hers.
I see that this doesn’t make me a failure because sex is something that should be enjoyed. She doesn’t hate me, she has stayed by my side for 2 years now and I lasted longer than most times that night. I can always keep working on myself, if fact the last few times she has came first and I am not always destined to cum quick.
I don’t respond much to thoughts alone, I need touch to get aroused and then get stressed by a handjob or blowjob. I sometimes go soft during sex and get angry at my dick, and paranoid that my relationship can’t last if I can’t sort my sexual performance out, or will become platonic.
I need to retrain my brain, but that’s fine.
I’m aware that it’s invasive thoughts that contribute to going soft, and after a while of getting back in the moment I can usually return and finish if it doesn’t take over too much. I’m also aware that my gf loves me regardless of my difficulties.
I’ve been avoiding situations for a while because I worried about not being able to get hard. Then I had a beautiful young woman over and we initiated with making out which lead to moving to the bedroom. I couldn’t get hard though and after a little bit of trying we were interrupted and that was the end. She said she didn’t mind and even apologizing for pressuring me and I wanted to make sure she didnt feel like it was her fault at all. It felt awful but I know I was also stressed that day and I didn’t get great sleep. There was a couple reasons but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again.
Negative thoughts:
- I can’t believe I still am not getting hard, why isn’t this problem solved
- my beautiful partner will leave me because I can’t get hard enough to have sex; this has probably never happened to her
Facts/alternate:
- this hasn’t happened every time, just somewhat recently. We used to have sex a lot and id always be hard. This can be solved.
- she loves me and has said she loves me for more than just sex and that we can explore other things (like toys) to help. We will work through this together
“This isn’t happening is it”
Just because it’s not happened this time doesn’t mean it will happen all the time. I’ve made love to my wife hundreds of times and will make love to her 100 times more
“I’ve let my wife down again”
I haven’t let anyone down. I was just going through I tough time and I’m making all the right moves to get better.
- The last few times we tried having sex, I lost my hard-on after foreplay.
- I thought
“oh no not again, we’ll never make love again” - catastrophizing - for: it hasn’t happened for 1-2 months, so maybe
- against: it’s just a phase, and there are many reasons, and it’s not a physical issue
“I’m a loser” - - overgeneralisation
- for: by a superficially macho definition, yes.
- against: it’s just one small part of life, and you’ve had sex hundreds (thousands?) of times more than successfully
“I bet she thinks I’m an idiot” - mind-reading - for: maybe it crossed her mind fleetingly
- against: she literally told you she doesn’t think that and that it’s not a big thing
I had a hookup with someone and i couldnt get hard at all. Negative thoughts were: it’s happening again, i cant get rid of this issue, and my partner probably pities me/thinks less of me for it.
Fact: i dont actually know what they were thinking, and we were quite relaxed after sex and getting along so maybe it was not such a big deal.
If I don’t get hard, my partner would be frustrated and leave me.
Fact: she doesn’t mind, she enjoys just being in my company and is good with the foreplay we do.
“This is happening again, I’m broken.” It is happening again, but I’ve had plenty of non broken experiences. This is not the rule. I know my nerves cause this. My Dick is just a symptom.
“She is disappointed, and I’m a disappointment.” I can not read her thoughts. I may feel like a disappointment, but my worth is not centered around my dick.
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I was with the most amazing woman I’ve the weekend. She was physically, intellectually and emotionally amazing to me all night. And I could not just a fucking hard on at all…nothing during foreplay…she went down on me forever and was so generous and I couldn’t muster 1 min of an erection.
Why is this happening again? And again…I have zero problems masterbating
She was so hot and thoughtful, I can’t believe I disappointed her so much.
I’m so frustrated right now.
Negative thoughts:
- Why is this happening to me? I shouldn’t be having these issues while I’m young.
- these things are normal and not every time is going to be perfect.
- She’s probably going to be weirded out that I’m wasting so much time. I don’t want her to feel like she’s the problem.
- She never said or made it seem like she was the issue. I never gave her the chance in my mind to stimulate me as well because I was too busy focused on what she might be thinking and if she’s having a good time instead of just being with her.
- I feel like a failure because I won’t be able to satisfy her.
- You had an amazing night with her all the way up to this point. Not having a perfect sexual encounter doesn’t just cancel the entire night away.
-When I’m about to have sex I stop being hard because I get into my own head
-Oh no not again, I’m about to have sex and I’m going to kill the mood by staying soft
-Mind reading
-She seemed like she was really enjoying everything we did even if there was no penetration
-In reality I can do many other things to not kill the mood while I relax and get hard again
-I get hard in waves so I can do something else to keep her enjoying
It was good the previous time so I thought I had overcome it, so when it happened again, I really felt defeated. But days after that, I had a good one though with another partner. This gave me a bit of confidence that there is hope. It all depends on my mood, the more calm I am, the more probable that I will maintain erection.
I usually have problems getting hard the first time I meet a girl. It’s not always, but I’d say 50% of the time it doesn’t happen and so I get scared every time I enter into a new relationship and always dread the first time we become intimate as I think I’m going to disappoint a new partner.
Like I said, it doesn’t happen every time, so I don’t have evidence that it’s going to happen always. And I almost always manage to do it the second or third encounter when I relax and become more present and less of a spectator.
But I really get into the catastrophizing phase for a few days or weeks within the beginning of a relationship thinking that if I don’t perform the girl will leave me, or fortune telling that I won’t be able to get an erection on my first night because I haven’t in other nights before that. I guess I’m learning to get away from this vicious cycle and just be in the present, knowing that I had many healthy sexual relations before that and by being in the present and acknowledging the true facts I’ll be able to find a healthier way to deal with this anxious thoughts in the future.
- Experience - Last time I tried to top my husband, I completely lost my erection and couldn’t get it back
Negative thought 1
- “I’m not going to be able to get hard because it never works” - Fortune telling
- It has worked occasionally in the past, so there’s no evidence that it never works
- I can get hard for every other aspect of sex, so physically I know I can get hard for this too
- Alternative - “You can get hard and you genuinely want to enjoy this, for you and your husband. It might not have worked in the past, but that doesn’t mean it won’t now you know more about what’s going on.”
Negative thought 2
- “This is so shit, I just want to show my husband a good time and I’m completely failing again. I’ve ruined the session completely, again” - All or nothing thinking
- My husband still had a great time in other ways, even if I didn’t top him
- The session wasn’t ruined completely
- Alternative - “You don’t have to top your husband to have a good session. Even with an interruption it can still be good”
Negaive thought 3
- “My husband says it’s fine and he still had a good time, but he’s just saying that because he feels bad for me” - Disqualifying the postive
- If I think how he behaved when we moved onto other sex then he definitely did have a good time
- He loves me and wouldn’t lie to me like that, even if he thought it was what I wanted to hear
- Alternative - “My husband has a good time during sex, even if I’m not topping him. You don’t need to feel the pressure”
-I couldn’t hold my erection after foreplay to penetrate. My heart rate was up like I was running
-I can’t belive it is happening again, I’m too nervus, I won’t be able to calm down.
I really want to have sex, but I will not be able to, she will be dissappointed.
- Fortune telling, catastrophising.
-Previous time I could chill, and make the penetration. She was never angry about me also very kind next morning.
-It was Saturday night, we were alone, so I was really focused on the night and couldn’t stop thinking about sex and that I have to prove. This could lead to failure.
-my partner thinks less of me because I couldn’t get hard enough to penetrate during our last sexual experience
-she told me everything is okay and that she isn’t in this relationship for the sex. We’ve had sex numerous times on different occasions.
-it makes sense it happened. I was stressed with my school exams coming up and we’ve had sex many times before so I know I can do it.
Meds stopped working for me years ago,
- “Here we go again, losing the erection about 2 minutes in. Trying to have a baby here, but I can’t stop my mind from racing.”
- I didn’t know she was on her cycle, so she yelled at me. I didn’t know she was on her cycle beforehand, so up until I stopped sex, I was like “well, better luck next time. If there is a next time.” And then she yelled at me, which made me feel really bad.
- I’m happy with having initiated this time, and I’m glad I was at least able to get hard for a little bit. But I want longevity with my erections.