When I met a girl at a cafe, my girlfriend saw me as she walked past with her husband, and was angry that I hadn’t told her I’d met the girl. She felt insecure about losing me, so we resolved that part.
As you can see from a keyword in this story, there are other parts to untangle in this web as well. But somewhat more complex. But with a feeling and a need from my side.
In conflict with my wife it often feels as though she is trying to talk her way through something and for it to be finished. She will talk over me if I provide a counter example or justification for my actions, and then I shut down because I don’t feel like we are communicating. I feel as though I am being talked at. With the stresses of day to day life, this shut down has started to bleed over into more small conflicts that could be easily solved by a quick conversation.
With my mother, when she complained about me not being present enough around the house, and not pulling my weight when it comes to tidying, cleaning etc. My mum got very frustrated at me and pushed a heavy amount of blame onto my priorities. When she really ramped up, I quietly left the room to let her cool down to her senses. I think I did the right thing by not fighting back, but also showing her respect by listening to her needs, which were feelings of love and warmth from me.
My girlfriend struggles with giving pleasure and it makes me feel left out, when I try to discuss these feelings she doesn’t say anything. It upsets me greatly that she doesn’t try to offer up solutions and it feels like these discussions happen very frequently without any change, leaving me in a state of fight or flight almost constantly
When a conflict arises I often struggle to take a step back and guess the other person’s need and tend to focus too much on my need.
This all makes sense and at the same time is terrifying
When the conflict arising, I am freezing.
I am guilty of avoiding the conflict long term. It’s time to stop that
Most times I feel anxiety I am worried it the future constantly leaks into many thing I do. Only time I fee call is around other or at work
i freeze up and avoid conflict. but i’ve been trying to work on it and feel like im making solid progress.
For years I’ve been hearing that people just want to be heard and that they’ll be grateful if you just listen. I think that’s untrue. I feel stressed and ineffective when people come to me frustrated and wanting something from me, or for me to solve their problem. Just saying “ I hear you” and then sound nothing for them is not helpful in my experience. The advice in this course to specifically ask if they are feeling X, and ask them if they need Y, sounds much better. At least you can say “I can’t give you that and here’s why.” I think that’s better than nothing.
I always say things without thinking and that ends up hurting her feelings. Then she gets mad without explaining why she’s upset. It’s always a confusing mess
I try not to get involved in conflicts. I would much rather be the person that I see in my head of being cool inside and out, but this can lead to me pushing things to the side and inevitably becoming confused about how I actually feel. I am going to start to change this
Man. Im looking forward to applying these. I need skills in de-escalation. I dont fight back as in the heat of a flare up my words are usually an accelerant.
I try to jump the gun and mind read. Sometimes I hit the mark, but if I’m not perceived as being genuinely caring of their emotions, it’s not taken well even if I’m right. I’ll be sure to listen first from now on. And guess instead of being invasive.
This is so insightful! I am constantly triggered by my own feelings. This will help me ask for what I need, and help them ask what they need!
I’m often triggered wheni feel ashamed and inept. I shut down. This is helpful
I learned about nonviolent communication before, but I kinda forgot about the details… especially the part about the needs. Last time I had a big fight I think I felt misunderstood. I’m not sure what I needed though…
I usually take responsibility for things they have done and always try to make it about me just to keep the peace. Any time I have done the opposite it has always gone bad so I tend to never do that anymore and usually end up taking as much of the attention for it so as not to cause conflict
will shut down if I feel alienated or uncomfortable or insecure, but I need to manage that with communication of what I’m feeling in the moment