Have a weird little issue. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 2 months now. She’s my first girlfriend ever and first sexual partner. I know that before me, she was with her ex for 7 years, who was her first and only boyfriend before me. I obviously knew that they had sex and I didn’t give two fucks, and she and I have been having very enjoyable fun sex and she always compliments me on how good I am or how good it feels, she was shocked when I lost my virginity to her because of how good it felt even though I’d never done anything like that before. The sex between us has mainly been cowgirl and doggy style due to her being plus sized, we can do missionary but it feels kinda awkward and I feel I can’t penetrate deep enough due to angles and certain things being in the way. I’ve asked her before if there was anything she liked that we haven’t tried yet, and she always told me there wasn’t anything else.
So three nights ago after we had sex at her house, we played this foreplay truth or dare game on her iPad. One of the questions was if she liked having her hair pulled during sex. I’ve never done that with her, and the only time I’ve touched it is when I play with it or comb my fingers through her hair. She answered that she really liked having her hair pulled during sex. I asked her if there was anything else, and she said she also liked having a hand placed firmly on her neck holding her down / in place during sex (not choking but that’s what she calls it). I asked her why she didn’t let me know this before, and she said she didn’t think she couldn’t tell me because I’m very gentle with her (which is true, I’m very caring / doting in the relationship) and thought it would upset me to tell me that. The only thing that upset me was that she withheld this info from me. But the next day I kinda confessed to her that I had fantasized about her having her hands on my throat while she was on top and then switching. She pressed to see if there were any other fantasies I had, and I did admit that I wanted to tie her hands and legs together, bend her over on the table or counter, blindfold her and lead her to the bedroom with a collar and leash, and she said she really liked those and she said she would pretty much let me do whatever I wanted to her except for anal. She also volunteered that she likes to be spanked as hard as possible with marks and bruises left and likes to have hickeys left. Which the idea of all this rough stuff sounds hot in fantasyland, but in real life it’s a different story I guess.
To satisfy my curiosity, when she came over my house that same day, we both took the BDSM test, which she’s done once before but didn’t have the results saved, and her results were 100% rope bunny, 100% submissive, 97% brat, 90% masochist, and 80% verbal degradation. I guess that’s when it actually hit me…like holy fuck. I felt overwhelmed and that I now had some sort of duty to indulge her in this to be able to keep her sexually satisfied.
As part of foreplay, I held her wrists together and pinned her on the wall while making out with her, which turned her on a lot, and I really enjoyed it. I also tried leaving a hickey on her boob, which wasn’t successful. I brought her to the bedroom and we stripped down and I spanked her while making out with her which seemed to drive her crazy. I didn’t go my hardest because I didn’t feel like I could bring myself to do it. I had her suck me until I got hard and then had her go on the bed to start in the missionary position to entertain her kink of having hand placed on her neck with the guy on top. I started fucking her and used a pillow to get a better angle which worked super well. However, as soon as I started to entertain the idea of placing my hand on her throat, I went limp as a noodle. I just couldn’t bring myself to do that. Then any other times throughout the night when I tried to penetrate her, I couldn’t even stay hard long enough to get it in. Which is crazy because this is the first time this has literally ever happened to me, that I’ve ever lost an erection. Even on the night I lost my virginity to her, I was so nervous that my whole body was numb before I penetrated her, but I didn’t lose my erection for a whole hour.
I think my mind switched to the idea that I had to do this stuff going forward now to keep her happy. And she told me that I didn’t have to at all and she enjoyed how we normally had sex before what we attempted that night because it feels really good to her and that I didn’t have to do any of that other stuff to keep her happy because she wants me and me alone, and that she’s just happy that I’m the one she gets to have sex with. But the intrusive thoughts started forming that clearly she does like that other stuff and that she might not be fully sexually satisfied by me if I don’t do it like that with her. And also that her ex would have known exactly what to do, what things to say, what “buttons” to press during that type of sex, and I wish I had that knowledge.
For me, as I’ve only been doing this for just 2 months I just started getting comfortable grabbing her hips and butt harder during sex after she’s asked me, and just got comfortable talking “dirty” to her, both of those in the past couple weeks. But I think I jumped in way too fast trying to try a bunch of stuff that was completely new and foreign to me when I’m very new and inexperienced to sex, as I’ve only been having it for two months and haven’t really had time to figure out or explore what my kinks, preferences, or other desires might be. And that kind of juxtaposes with the fact that my GF knows exactly what she wants and what her kinks are and has had time to explore, develop, and refine them with the same partner over a period of several years. I guess I was feeling like I had to match / meet and indulge in every single one of her kinks without actually taking time to explore what my own are, because I always hyperfixate on making sure she can receive as much pleasure as possible. Like her masochistic preference, for example, I do not like hurting people and am not sure if I could bring myself to do things hard enough to leave marks and bruises. Or her brat kink, I wouldn’t know the first thing about playing into that and also don’t really even know how to be a Dom. Hell, I think I could have it in me to have a preference of being a Dom/switch because I like the idea of her dominating me, but since she’s already shown me that she is the 100% submissive type, I’m not sure how she would feel about that. But she said we didn’t have to do any of that stuff at all if I didn’t want to, and that it wouldn’t change how much she enjoys the type of sex that we’ve been having.
But still that stupid nagging feeling in the back of my mind still makes me feel uneasy and uncertain. I was able to make a little more progress this morning with sex because I was actually able to get hard enough long enough to get it in and make her cum with her on top, but it was only hard for a couple minutes before switching to rubber dick for a few more minutes and then going completely soft and not able to cum, which at least is progress. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to be able to stay completely hard during sex like I’m used to, but I sure do hope it is soon.
As a little afternote, I have communicated a good portion of these things to her, and she even wrote me a little love note to read in case I was ever feeling this way. But I certainly wish that I didn’t have that stupid feeling in the back of my mind that I had to meet some sort of non-existent expectation that I now have to perform in a new way that I’m not used to, because she has assured me that she has NO expectation of me to do any of that stuff.