I’ve noticed this has happened to me now where I’ll want to masterbate but then I l’ll worry about getting an erection even for masterbation. And then it doesn’t stay hard. Is this the same thing that happens when I’m with another person? Is this something that has happened to anyone else during any of the exercises? Is this possible ?
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I have definitely had days where I questioned if I could even get hard anymore. Masturbated and… Of course I still can. Those are the days where those negative thoughts need to be worked on and replaced with neutral or positive thoughts. That’s what I’m focused on first
Absolutely, I think this is the same thing as when with a partner, and it’s happened to me plenty of times. When I first read about spectatoring in Mojo I could reflect on how I do that during sex, and the impact on my erection and/or PE. What I’d never realised before is that I also spectate during masturbation.
I previously would masturbate quite often, usually touching myself with the aim of getting myself turned on, rather than touching myself BECAUSE I was turned on. So when I just didn’t get turned on and so didn’t get an erection, I’d immediately notice and start thinking about how there must be something wrong, instead of just realising that I’m just not in the mood.
Then, that led to always focusing on how hard I am, how aroused I am, how close to orgasm I am, while masturbating, instead of focusing on the pleasure and sensations and enjoying the experience. I realised I was pretty much always spectatoring every time masturbated, which would sometimes make me lose my erection or at best make me not really enjoy the experience.
I found the self-sensate and mindful masturbation exercises really helpful for this. The result has been I now focus on the experience and the pleasure rather than how hard, or not, I am. I find I get and keep an erection more reliably when I masturbate, and my orgasms have even been more intense and satisfying. I’ve also stopped masturbating when I’m not in the mood for it, and only masturbating when I’m turned on or horny.
It’s odd to think that you can put pressure on yourself to be hard when you’re just on your own, but I was definitely doing that. Keep going with the exercises, they really work and help with spectatoring while masturbating as well as during partnered sex.
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Excellent post! I found it helpful just reading.
For the original poster, I have had a therapist once say “fear/anxiety/worry is the kryptonite to horny.” So if you’re in fight or flight (sounds like flight), you will be in the middle of the polyvagal chart, not at the bottom (sympathetic nervous system on means parasympathetic nervous system is blocked). Sexuality is about play, intrigue, fantasy; it is not a performance as an out of touch psychologist I once worked with stated it was for her. Maybe think back about how you originally started accidentally masturbating and the feelings and thoughts that were around that. It probably wasn’t “get hard damnit! why won’t you get hard you useless piece of meat!”