The feeling to being watched and the condom being tight and it going flacid after it’s put on, that kills the mood. Often, I am too anxious and am constantly gauging the hardness of my penis to see if I should even bother to try putting it on.
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Anything which is not missionary in the bedroom
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The moment when I’m cuddling in the bed and I notice she is getting horny. That’s the moment I start to feel anxious.
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I’ve been with my partner partner 5 years, married for two and over the past two years have been experiencing election issues. I def feel that at time I have been spectators g but it’s combined with my anxiety. I used to be aroused generally daily and masturbate, especially when my partner was on her period. We had a discussion that she felt I only initiate sex on my terms and so I’ve tried to wait for her to initiate but that’s part of my problem. I have felt overwhelmed. We would have sex and she would climax and I may too but not ejaculated. She would take it as me not being satisfied by her. It causing me so much anxiety as we also want to get pregnant and I believe all these elements are causing me to get anxious when we make love. There has been work stress and other external pressures and I am just trying to fix my head so I can enjoy being with my wife. As she feels I no longer desire her when that’s far from the truth.
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The break in intimacy to put the condom on is definitely my arousal/erection killer. I feel an immediate awkwardness and pressure to hurry up and get it on, and it gets me really stressed and in my head.
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I always feel like I have to stay absolutely focused on staying hard and I’m on the verge of losing it. And when I don’t get hard, whether trying to put on a condom or when about to enter, I immediately spiral and feel the shame and panic start to build up, killing any chance of it going well.
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Personally, the situational anxiety starts from the get go. I’ve had many past experiences where I was unable to get hard with a girl and so we couldn’t have sex. These experiences cause me to feel anxious going in to sexual situations with new people. I’m worried about getting hard, and I’m really unsure beforehand whether it will happen or not. As soon as things start getting physical, I begin spectatoring. While we’re kissing I’m paying attention to my penis and wondering why it’s not getting hard. If enough time passes and it still hasn’t gotten hard, I start panicking - at which point it’s game over. In the event that I do get a bit hard, I start worrying if I will be able to get a full erection and whether I’ll be able to maintain this erection for the full duration of foreplay and intercourse. For example, it has happened several times where I have lost an erection while performing oral sex on my partner. However, I have noticed that if I manage to get and then maintain a solid erection for a long enough, my situational anxiety subsides. The trouble is getting the erection in the first place!
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I always feel like I have to stay absolutely focused on staying hard and I’m on the verge of losing it. And when I don’t get hard, whether trying to put on a condom or when about to enter, I immediately spiral and feel the shame and panic start to build up, killing any chance of it going well.
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Situational performance anxiety for me creeps up with the circumstance of “morning / wake up sex”. I just don’t care for it, am never ready to go, feel sleepy, sluggish, gross, and not interested in a lot of physical exertion haha. So the times that my partner has initiated morning sex, I clench up immediately to the point of talking myself out of it even possibly working. I’ve even pretended to be SO knocked out in an “I’m still deeply sleeping” state, that I hoped she’d give up and either pleasure herself, or that we’d try later in the day or something. But morning sex = anxiety… and no erections for sure.
Sex with the specific woman who means so much to me gives me the biggest amount of subconscious anxiety. I’ve done it with dozens of women before but now it’s just this one and I’ve been so anxious with her that I can’t get an erection when I’m with her. Before we attempted sex for the first time, she said her first time with a new partner “always hurt” and now that’s deep in my subconscious. I value her pleasure more than my own so that all plays a part for me. She isn’t as experienced as much as I am so she’s very nervous and shy. My empathic side feels her anxiety in her and it’s reflected back in me, adding to my own.
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I’ve been with my partner partner 5 years, married for two and over the past two years have been experiencing election issues. I def feel that at time I have been spectators g but it’s combined with my anxiety. I used to be aroused generally daily and masturbate, especially when my partner was on her period. We had a discussion that she felt I only initiate sex on my terms and so I’ve tried to wait for her to initiate but that’s part of my problem. I have felt overwhelmed. We would have sex and she would climax and I may too but not ejaculated. She would take it as me not being satisfied by her. It causing me so much anxiety as we also want to get pregnant and I believe all these elements are causing me to get anxious when we make love. There has been work stress and other external pressures and I am just trying to fix my head so I can enjoy being with my wife. As she feels I no longer desire her when that’s far from the truth.
2 Likes
I’ve been with my partner partner 5 years, married for two and over the past two years have been experiencing election issues. I def feel that at time I have been spectators g but it’s combined with my anxiety. I used to be aroused generally daily and masturbate, especially when my partner was on her period. We had a discussion that she felt I only initiate sex on my terms and so I’ve tried to wait for her to initiate but that’s part of my problem. I have felt overwhelmed. We would have sex and she would climax and I may too but not ejaculated. She would take it as me not being satisfied by her. It causing me so much anxiety as we also want to get pregnant and I believe all these elements are causing me to get anxious when we make love. There has been work stress and other external pressures and I am just trying to fix my head so I can enjoy being with my wife. As she feels I no longer desire her when that’s far from the truth.
I think if I’m lucky to get started, the thing that worries me is switching positions. I prefer some positions more than others and so going into one that I don’t enjoy as much makes me tense and worried. In my head I know I’m doing it for my partner because they like it better but I get worried about myself and my own enjoyment.
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There are 3 main things for me.One is stopping to put a condom on. I have nothing against condoms, in fact when I first found out what they were in sex education I found the idea of them arousing! But when I stop to put one on these days it always makes me anxious about whether I’ll stay hard with it on. If I don’t and I have to put on a new one then my partner will think that’s odd and there’s something wrong with me. I almost always lose my erection if I put a condom on with a partner, but I can play with myself using a condom and keep my erection just fine.Another situation is penetration in any position where I’m the active one. It feels like she is waiting for me to perform and the sex will need to be good, and I worry about not staying hard inside her because surely men are supposed to find penetration the sexiest thing there is.Another situation is if she is touching my penis when it seems like she is thinking “this is taking a while” or “I need to make him come” or giving me the feeling she isn’t enjoying what she’s doing.
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There are 3 main things for me.One is stopping to put a condom on. I have nothing against condoms, in fact when I first found out what they were in sex education I found the idea of them arousing! But when I stop to put one on these days it always makes me anxious about whether I’ll stay hard with it on. If I don’t and I have to put on a new one then my partner will think that’s odd and there’s something wrong with me. I almost always lose my erection if I put a condom on with a partner, but I can play with myself using a condom and keep my erection just fine.Another situation is penetration in any position where I’m the active one. It feels like she is waiting for me to perform and the sex will need to be good, and I worry about not staying hard inside her because surely men are supposed to find penetration the sexiest thing there is.Another situation is if she is touching my penis when it seems like she is thinking “this is taking a while” or “I need to make him come” or giving me the feeling she isn’t enjoying what she’s doing.
I always lose my erection when I’m receiving oral sex. Doesn’t matter what position - whether I’m standing, laying, sitting etc - it always disappears after a short while. I feel very vulnerable and exposed when being given oral - due to insecurities about my size as well as performance - and therefore I find it virtually impossible to relax around it, let alone enjoy it.
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Condoms definitely throw in a wrench, the added delay then creates a space for my mind to start wondering what’ll happen. The transition from foreplay too does the same. Sometimes switching positions can do it too, if its taking some time and adjustments to get it so it feels right for both of us. Any opening and my mind starts to question things!
Mine also comes between foreplay and intercourse. I don’t even hear the “critical voice”, till I am ready for penetration. Condoms of course, is not an issue in our marriage.
Putting on a condom is a big passion killer for me. The other is worrying about pregnancy. You can’t win a situation like this. I used to found condoms rather sexy. Had some bad experiences with a specific brand’s ejaculation delaying one. It made my penis feel so limp. And it’s smell was pungent. On the rare occasions when I was able to get it up thought I need to be as quick as possible to give my partner some enjoyment. Recently the voice in my had is so loud, I can’t think of successful sex at all. I can’t even be turned on. Whenever we were kissing and I was getting a bit hard the spectator came and wondered if it can stay hard during sex. Then it went limp and sex never happened.
Putting on a condom is a big passion killer for me. The other is worrying about pregnancy. You can’t win a situation like this. I used to found condoms rather sexy. Had some bad experiences with a specific brand’s ejaculation delaying one. It made my penis feel so limp. And it’s smell was pungent. On the rare occasions when I was able to get it up thought I need to be as quick as possible to give my partner some enjoyment. Recently the voice in my had is so loud, I can’t think of successful sex at all. I can’t even be turned on. Whenever we were kissing and I was getting a bit hard the spectator came and wondered if it can stay hard during sex. Then it went limp and sex never happened.