Single guys dating…and not getting it up

Wanted to open a thread specifically for single guys who are dating (or just hooking up—whatever your style is) to commiserate. I really appreciate the insight from partnered guys, but feel like this is an important space to open too.

I’m a 35yo single guy (top) in New York dating with the goal of a monogamous relationship—so I’m probably already putting pressure on myself to be perfect from that expectation. I keep getting in situations where I go out on a date(s) with a guy and like him, but the first time we get in bed, I can’t get or stay hard for all the reasons Mojo outlines. Oftentimes I might even get hard for a bit while we’re making out, but when the clothes come off my dick stops cooperating.

Whether we (try to) have sex on the first date or the fifth, my inner critic immediately tells me if I can’t perform he won’t want to go out with me again. And that if it happens multiple times, he won’t want to date me…because, dead honest, I know that would cross my mind if I was in his shoes—I mean who wants to date or get into a relationship with someone if the sex isn’t good? But those thoughts/pressures are just making it worse for my chances to get it up and perform.

What are other single guys dealing with out there?

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I’m kinda more “hooking up” than what I’d consider “dating.” I have no problem finding guys to hook up with on Grindr, et al, but after not being able to to get it up on that 1st hook up, there’ll never be a 2nd.

I was of the mindset that I need to practice trying to have sex, and failing a few times, before I’d be able to get it right, but now I’m thinking it’s doing more harm than good.

But then, what other options have I?

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If you’re dating with the goal of having a monogamous relationship it’s good to treat your dates like it and be honest and straightforward with them about the issues you’re having. When the time is right of course :grin:

If they respond poorly to that, well great, you don’t need to waste more time with them. If they respond well to that then you find a way together. I found that my ED mostly relates to how positive I’d answer the question ‘would it be a problem if my dick goes limp now?’. The partner’s mentality decides like 80% of the answer for me.

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I find the gay community has over classified itself into sexual boxes that anything less than full on anal and knowing who is top or bottom or Vers but really a bottom or top but really a bottom etc is very limiting. Sex shouldn’t be so scripted that you fail if you’re not performing these stupid assigned roles the community has put boxes around.

For me, I found that my sex drive has skyrocketed when I masturbate without porn using my imagination and did the senate exercises and the kegels. I now can fantasize about what I like rather than worrying about pleasing others. I also have learned to have boundaries and not just give guys who come after me just for my dick size or because they want to suck me (and it does nothing for me) is not a good match. If the guy won’t be into kissing and just stroking together, maybe giving a hand, then the sexual agenda is too structured for me to relax and have fun and not a good match or a good lay no matter how hot he is.

Another thing I’ve learned I’m into is massage scenes. There isn’t the expectation. If you’re just hooking up with guys who expect you to get hard when they are ass up without any sensuality, romanticism, or seduction, maybe you’re not the problem. The gays are full of narcissist bottoms who just think their very demanding presence should be God’s gift to you. Well it isn’t working like that anymore. Do yourself a favor and set up a different scenario and not date those sad men who have no self esteem outside of having other men fill their hole, physically and emotionally. If you don’t fill it for them, they lash out because they aren’t happy people either but it’s easier for them to take it out on you than feel their own emptiness.

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This. Totally. When my new date of three months mentioned to me the other night that he didn’t need to cum, I felt an immediate relief. It was like unbelievable. Then we got horny again and I saw he was getting really close and i helped him reach orgasm. And then he told me that what he had said was a lie because he does need to get off. And i was immediately back in my anxiety

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I did exactly this and it was a disaster. So I’ve put Grindr on pause for a while.

So I’m with a guy who responded well but to him “it happens to most guys and will pass”. I’m not so sure. Things are getting better but my anxiety about him loosing patience is also building. And I know this is making things worse :man_shrugging:

I’m sorry to hear your anxiety is building despite the faith your partner has expressed. That’s a really shitty feeling.

Anxiety is a bitch, but I also found in the Mojo material that there’s a lot of focus on anxiety as a contributor to ED. A good tip was to write down all your shitty thoughts about yourself and about whatever you think your partner is thinking, and then try to disprove those thoughts using your own observations or asking your partner.

Also it’s a big deal to realize that things are getting better. Why wouldn’t it keep getting better?

If I really like someone I’ll probably take something to take pressure off myself with idea that less pressurised situations to build my confidence will occur over time (I.e if we are dating then waking up together, etc)