Have had intermittent ED issues most of my adult life after having an inability to get an erection for the first time at 19 years of age as a I was about to break up with my girlfriend (makes sense but what did I know back then). From that point forward, the seed of doubt was planted. I had many sexual partners during my younger years, but would move on quickly after the novelty wore off which I think was how I dealt with my ED (constant variety). Now 58 years old and married to a beautiful and understanding woman for 20 years. When I’m out of my head, the sex has been fantastic but we have had some rough patches. As I have gotten older with the common ED that comes with age and our sex has become very routine, I have tried V and C which help but doesn’t always get me into the moment and the anxiety is always lurking in the background. The thought of finding and talking to a sex therapist has been hard to get past, and then I found Mojo. I thought I’d give it a try and see if the exercises and listening to counseling sessions help me be present and stop the irrational worrying.
I went through exactly the same thing and I was so sure it was going to cost me the girl I had just started dating. She was really understanding but I thought she was just being that way to be nice. Anyway, we’re over a year down the line now and still going strong. The ED is still present but not as bad as before. I know it’s difficult man but hang on in there, things can and do get better. This group has been a massive support for me.
I have been struggling with Performance Anxiety issues for over 15 years since I was 16 years old. I was unable to fully perform when I lost my virginity, and my girlfriend at the time was not that understanding of the situation.
This experience gave me a lot of anxiety around sexual performance from day one of my sex life. After some time with the same girlfriend, the issue was resolved and I had no problems getting it up but I quickly realised I had a physical issue in that my foreskin did not come all the way back and sex was actually quite painful. I was then diagnosed with Phimosis and had a circumcision at the age of 17 years old, followed by 6 months of painful healing.
The whole experience was quite traumatic and when I was ready to have sex again, the performance anxiety issues really came into their own. Ever since I have struggled to perform with periods of it simply not working to periods of great sex but I was never able to come (delayed ejaculation). I have had three long term relationships and in the first two, we never discussed my performance issues. I felt so much shame around it that I couldn’t bear to talk about it. I thought for a long time that I was broken, that there was something physically wrong with my penis and I was terrified of seeking any help for it. Worse than that I had this inner dialogue that I wasn’t a “real man” because I couldn’t do what should come so naturally and then I started to worry that I’d never had a good sex life and that I may never be able to have children and so the thought lingered, evolved and ultimately made me quite sad and frustrated in life.
During a period from the age of 23-27, I was single and in a group of single male and female friends. I got lots of attention from women on nights out and on Tinder, and I would have the odd hookup. Some were successful but most were not and came with all that awkward silence in bed, that look of disappointment, confusion, shock and worry. They would think it was them, that I’m not attracted to them and some women would say hurtful things (not on purpose, but through sheer lack of understanding). This was a difficult period in my life and it created a vicious cycle of failing to perform, feeling tremendous amounts of shame, embarrassment and then actively avoiding having sex with women that I really wanted to have sex with. I’d try to hide my issues from mates as to not feel embarrassed and so I hid this secret from everyone, which is tiring and a drain on my mental health.
I’ve been with my fiance for 5 years now and she was the first woman I’ve been with that called me out and simply asked “what’s going on? Let’s talk about it”. That one conversation lifted so much pressure and anxiety it was incredible and life-changing tbh. If you haven’t yet spoken to your partner, please do it and give yourself that gift of sharing. It will help, I promise.
We’ve been working through my performance anxiety issues ever since. Here is what has helped me the most:
- Telling my partner and being open about it all
- Being sexual with my partner but with no end goal. Just allowing the experience to flow.
- Daily meditation to calm the mind
- Daily intensive exercise to build self-esteem and confidence with my body
- Eating a healthy diet that gives me lots of nutrients and energy
- Avoiding drug use (marijuana makes my anxiety much worse)
- Conscious weekly masturbation (no porn, warm setting, nice lighting, some music and taking my time to enjoy the process and connect with my penis)
- Accepting that my penis will temporarily get soft during sex but it will come back (this is so hard but does help with practice)
- Accepting that I may not come and that is totally ok.
- This one is a bit out there but writing a letter to my penis to tell him how I feel about the situation and what I want to improve. It may sound crazy but making friends with my penis has helped me a lot. When it comes to sex, I want it to feel like we are a team/partners.
The reason I’ve joined Mojo is that I know that overcoming my performance anxiety issues is a journey and I value hearing other people’s experiences, finding out new information that will help and being part of a safe community where I can share my experiences and thoughts. I also think I have some knowledge to share that will hopefully help others.
Apologies for the long post but just writing all this down in one place gives me so much power and is like self-therapy. I implore you to do the same and just get it all off your chest.
Lovely post mate, It’s great to hear you’ve made so much progress. The letter to my penis idea is brilliant haha, think I’m gonna give that one a go!
Yes, I’m anxious as I know my penis isn’t currently getting hard like it used too - and I don’t know why.
Even though it erects enough to have sex - it’s not like it used to be. It’s tricky to describe, it feels like the muscle or tissue (outer bit) is damaged. Personally, I think its related to a physical problem (possibly as a result of psychological stresses), as my left nipple is noticably flaccid compared to my right and I have a constant ache inside me around the bladder / ‘hip flexor’ area (on the left side only again). It must be related.
However Doctors have repeatedly told me after checks/ tests that they think it’s a psychological problem. Obviously it’s now effecting me psychologically, as it’s been 11 months with no improvement - and I have no idea what to do.
It affects me in that because the experience isn’t as pleasurable as it used to be, I guess I’m not as into it - and maybe seem more ‘disconnected’ from my partner. I feel when having sex, or mastibating it’s a reminder that there is something wrong or injured. My desire to have sex/ sex drive as a result is non existent compared to how it used to be - which was high.
Hi guys, just joined and thought I would share my story - I never had a problem at all with erections and could go all night. I had a very bad break up that put a lot of pressure on my mental health, I started seeing a new girl a while after this and when we first went to be intimate nothing happened, like absolutely nothing. This was probably 4 years ago now and I’ve been having problems ever since, I’ve been to multiple doctors who all say everything is fine but still I have seen no improvement even after being reassured that everything should be working. I’m an athlete and don’t smoke/drink and I have a very good diet, though I have a stressful job and suffer with anxiety/depression which I know probably doesn’t help. Erectile dysfunction is really ruining my life, I think about it almost constantly and so I’ve finally decided to try to make a difference after finding mojo! I really hope that we can all find help through this service and thanks for reading guys
I got used to masturbating often because I was single for a long time. I probably masturbated too much, out of boredom and habit. I think it’s possibly messed with how my body works now.
I started a new relationship and usually only get semi erect. If I do get more than a semi it gets softer by the time I’ve got a condom on or shortly after I’ve penetrated my partner.
Hope the community and the tools on mono can help me get to having proper erections.
Hey, I’m 22 and I’ve never really properly had sex. The first time I tried was when I was about 16, I was too anxious and couldn’t get hard as I think I was just simply so clueless and was massively over thinking. After this experience my next attempt was when I was 20 and since I smoked a lot of weed and just happily avoided it along with all other responsibilities. This was a date that was set up by my mate and his girlfriend for me to lose my virginity to her friend. We ended up getting really drunk and I tried but had sex flaccid. We went to bed and in the morning I was so embarrassed I just left.
Fast forward another 2 years I got talking a lot with a girl from home, covid got in the way and I ended up moving to uni again before getting a chance to see her again properly. We facetimed a lot and I ended up coming all the way home just to have sex with her basically. This was common knowledge amongst all my friends (awful idea). I then tried to have sex with her at a party and it just didn’t happen, I had built it all up in my head way too much, it was always going to happen. I was back home for two more days and she ended up thinking it was her and wouldn’t give it another go. My friends all took the piss out of me and started joking if I was gay. I was at absolute rock bottom.
After this, I left to go back to uni thankfully. I have tried a few times more at uni and these days I just avoid sex, on these occasions I simply wanted out but entertained it anyway. With one foot out the door mentally on each occasion it happened again. I had a good chat with one of the girls and she was up for giving me some time, but conveniently when she left mine she said she wanted nothing more to do with me. Since then (6 months ago) I have just tried to be on self improvement and am trying to improve my mental health but all my friends from home talk about is sex and the thought that I’m nearly 23 and things aren’t looking up really scares me. Thank you for making this platform and to anyone who has read this far. When I masturabate I can get hard and I’ve tried viagara on a couple of occasions and it didn’t work at all confirming that the problem is in my head. I do have hope I will be able to overcome this anxiety but I simply struggle to even picture being able to get a hard on in sexual situations, my brain has a very toxic trait of wanting to work against me in pressured situations, I’m going to do all I can.
Viagra stopped working a couple of months ago after successfully taking it for 20 years. Finally confessed to my wife I have a problem after secretly taking viagra since being with her for the last 19 years! I had many sleepless nights building up the courage to tell her but I now feel a like a weight has lifted and I’m now ready to face the issue head on!
I’ve struggled with achieving and maintining erections for the last year or so. It first happened to me when I was losing my viriginity and I thought something was wrong with me, resulting in anxiety and decreased self esteem. I turned to gas station pills to help me everytime I would have sex with my then girlfriend. This only made it worse as I now attributed having good sex with taking the pills, and I was scared that any time I didn’t take it, I wouldn’t do good. I ended up breaking up with that girlfriend, and I’ve spent the last few months tackling the root of the anxiety. I felt like the purpose of sex was to please my partner, and slowly but surely I created a better relationship with sex in my head. I’m still working on it, but I’ve been telling myself that I should be having sex for me and not for my partner. It’s still hard for me because I’m getting ready to meet a girl soon and I have the idea in my head that the only way I can keep her around is with good sex, and I’m working towards deconstructing that idea and thinking about it differently so I can really enjoy it when the time comes. If anybody could respond with tips or methods you used to create a better relationship with sex, please share them with me because I desparetely need the help and reassurance.
I have struggled with performance anxiety from the time i was a teenager. I have had 3 major relationships in my life and though performance anxiety induced ED was part of them at one point i did had great sex in all of them as well. Hooks up or short term partners were the worse for it, usually after i got comfortable it got better.
I have been on SSRI’s for depression for years and know it has reduce my sex drive and been a factor.
However it has gotten way worse. I was recently with a girl for 10 months who was not understanding or kind at all about it. Making comments, suggesting i go off my medications, comparing me to her ex husband and even asked if i was sure i wasnt gay.
Due to the pressure i went off my medication and went downhill mentally quickly. I am back on but after this experience i feel my libido is dead, i am not even interested in masturbating and dont remember my last full erection.
My confidence is so shot from this experience. It’s in my head big time now and I think of it constantly, i am afraid to even pursue another relationships out of fear of failire.
I have talked to my dr and done all the tests, they have told me its all psychological, so here I am to try to work on that aspect. I feel like i am broken or something is wrong, wanting a pill to fix it but none of them help. I am worried i will never get to have sex again and wish i was back at a point i felt confident in myself and my performance.