I was wondering if anyone else here has been having relationship communication issues that actually may be a huge culprit in their erection issues. I did the cognitive restructuring exercise today and it was talking about recognizing when you’re pretending to be a mind reader and making assumptions of a partner’s apparent disappointment. The problem is my partner HAS expressed disappointment in me that I can’t have the kind of erection that is necessary to make her cum through penetration (isn’t it statistically harder for women to cum through penetration than through oral, etc?!), it is not a self-imposed expectation I place on myself but HER expectation (!) and in unfairly comparing me to her previous sexual partners from over 10 years ago. She even has expressed she expects even ME to cum through penetration (which has always been difficult for me to get there through penetration alone, that my hand more easily gets me to the edge and then she can easily finish me off and/or be inside her at that point), and I’m not showing her I am capable of this. I don’t find the environment at home very supportive. She never initiates anymore, and it just seems she’s given up on me, she assumes my erection will fail, that I’m defective and that it’s my responsibility to fix it. Truth be told, she’s played a number on me and my self-esteem … I wonder if we should call it quits, after 10 years. I talked to her briefly about potentially opening things up, so she can possibly get her needs met, and I regain confidence in myself and my sexual abilities. I even suggested that if she’s worried about my catching feelings that I can hire a service provider for my exploration instead of see soneone open to feelings in such an encounter, which she wasn’t enthused about. I just feel it’s such a narrow view for her to impose sex is just penetration, hetero-normative really. To me, sex is connection and not about cumming anymore necessarily, that kissing and oral can be a bigger part of what we call sex and not just “preparation” for sex itself with the definition then being sex means only penetration. I just feel there’s a lot of pressure being put on me and my erection that in the end is not at all conducive to my even having an erection … I must confess by being tempted to even go the route of seeing a service provider to really see if I’m broken like my partner has been making me feel, even rationalizing that this would be the more emotionally neutral way of going about cheating and less life invasive, etc. Has anyone else been struggling with issues in their relationship?
You’re not alone! I’ve struggled with PE and a little ED the last 9 months or so, but it’s not the first time. Years ago it was clearly due to stress of work, but this time mojo helped me realize it’s stress and anxiety about pleasing my partner. My wife and I have been together over 15 years and she also is only interested in penetrative sex which puts a ton of pressure on me to perform.
Similar to yours, she puts it as my problem to solve and gets frustrated when a try to make it a team effort. Honestly taking that pressure off would probably make me last so much longer, but it doesn’t seem like that will ever happen. I’ve told her I’m willing to do anything in the bedroom to help her but I am always met with resistance/ excuses when suggesting trying something.
We’ve got young kids and a lot going on in our lives, so a few weeks ago I suggested a break from sex, as I couldn’t take the regular rejection anymore. We’ll see how it plays out, but I feel more confident with what mojo has taught me, but will certainly still feel some pressure to perform. I’ve thought about asking if she wants someone else, but am not sure she would do that and don’t think I really want to go down that path. I don’t have an interest in getting it elsewhere, because I wouldn’t have an emotional connection and don’t want to go down the path of leaving. I just want a healthy sex life we both can enjoy. Good luck!
I hear you! Thanks for offering support. I can feel sad and lost with the situation. At this point we’re probably only attempting sex every few months, not frequently at all. We cuddle, but she’s not been as touchy as me as of late, and it’s never leading to sex. Also, I say “attempting sex” because with my partner it’s always with assumption that penetration will take place or at least be attempted when I wish sex can be defined between us as something more open and playful and more so to do with connection rather than some overriding expectation of penetration necessarily. I can be inside and we can enjoy moments of that sort of closeness, but to really expect I have a reliable hard erection for several minutes while inside and going at it is just too much as it rarely works under that sort of pressure, and otherwise I love all other activities we can do under the umbrella of sex (giving/receiving oral, 69, giving/receiving hand, I’d be happy to hold a toy and play with her using it), still she says female orgasm through penetration proper is different to orgasms achieved otherwise and to her is superior. But again, if sex was defined less so as cumming and more so as connection and play it would be better for me and truthfully for us as well, I think. I don’t need to cum every time, I just take a long time to get there, and it takes longer when I’m expected to cum. I’m seeing a sex therapist, but my partner’s rhetoric was “you should go see a sex therapist so that you can learn to be better at sex,” which I felt bad because she’s basically telling me I’m bad at sex. In my previous sex life from before this relationship, over 10 years ago, I started late in my mid 20s with few awkward hookups and only one partner where I had a chance to explore and begin to gain confidence in sex, and then my current partner and I started our relationship when I was 26, and so I only had a handful of partners prior, I was actually self conscious about being so inexperienced, for example. But from what I recall, the partner I had before my current one of 10 years, that other partner seemed to communicate better about sex and was generally pleased with what I was able to do for her, for example I love giving oral. I think of myself as a tender lover, a considerate love, I try to be an attentive lover. I love to hold my partner tenderly. I don’t think I’m not so bad. And my current partner and I have had good sex in years past, but it’s like she forgot all about that and is all about expectations of penetration and this to get her to cum necessarily and expressing her disappointment with me … we’re having a difficult time, she makes me feel I’m broken, but I really feel there’s serious problems in the relationship …
Sorry for typos. Meant to say I’m a considerate lover*. Also, I don’t think I’m so bad, meant to say, as in I think I’m not so bad, the sentence above contains a double negative 
Typo, a sentence with a double negative, I don’t think I’m so bad, meant to say.
Typo, a sentence with double negative in my last comment. I don’t think I’m so bad, meant to say.