Partner brings up ED In arguments

substantial-copper-snail · July 23, 2024, 7:25am

Wondering how folks have dealt with partners who throw up ED in arguments (which doesn’t help the performance anxiety issues).

My partner is usually quite understanding about my ED and knows I am working through this app. We have sex regularly and only have performance issues now and again when I get in my head.

Occasionally in arguments she will bring up the ED (e.g. saying they are 100% sure it is related to porn, that I am denial about this, that I and am not attracted to her and have done nothing about fixing it, cross examiining me on “what’s going on for me”, etc).

My sense is that this is point scoring but obvs it doesn’t help the performance anxiety.

How has anyone else navigated this?

uniform-gold-takin · July 23, 2024, 9:44am

Same issue, related to porn

sweet-cyan-marlin · July 23, 2024, 10:26am

Doesn’t sound like a very supportive partner. Sounds like they’re trying to score points and make you feel bad. Not healthy

substantial-copper-snail · July 23, 2024, 11:02am

Yea they know it’s a sore point I think.

I do take the point that it’s been easier sometimes to use porn (I did this when we were in a LDR) and see how this makes her feel neglected.

Recently we tried watching it together and she is now giving me a hard time (no pun intended) about how much stronger my erection was compared to a standard sexual session.

substantial-copper-snail · July 23, 2024, 11:17am

I probably agree that my porn use was problematic in the past. I used to be a single guy who masturbated a lot. But I don’t think it’s an issue now.

Now I’ve tried to be open with her about it and reassured her that porn is not a substitute for sex with her. But she does try to make me feel guilty about it, telling me I’ve broken my dick from porn use. I guess it stems from insecurity .

modern-azure-parrotfish · July 23, 2024, 12:31pm

I’ve had on and off problems for years. My last partner didn’t take ED well and often took it personally and wanted answers when I couldn’t give any. I have a new partner at the moment and she just said ‘don’t worry, it’s ok’. We have had sex, although I’m under a lot of anxiety these days due to a separation. When I say we have had sex, we have had penetration sex, but if I look at the bigger definition of sex we have done a lot together. I can make her cum by kissing her all over and then giving her oral. I love finding those parts of her body that arouse her. Sometimes that is more than enough for her. We enjoy being together, having fun, being playful, exploring. It’s not all about an erect penis. Forget about that altogether and try something else. Just enjoy her however you feel like you can. And yeah, lay off the porn. Time to reset the system.

zeroth-tan-wolf · July 23, 2024, 2:10pm

Ça va j ai 56 ans je suis vielle mais je suis très sexy

rubber-black-wren · July 23, 2024, 2:57pm

Sounds like she’s got some of her own work to do. Kudos to you for working on yourself, sharing that with your partner, and chatting about it here.

Sorry to hear that she’s weaponizing your insecurities. I’d imagine her response stems from her own insecurities. Can you encourage her to look at that more, on her own?

In my own marriage, we def went through a period where my wife took my performance issues very personally. Being open and reassuring about it being in my head and not about a lack of desire or attraction eventually helped. It also helped that she deals with anxiety and has experience with therapy, self reflection, etc because she could relate to getting caught up in one’s head and not always having one’s body and mind in sync.

My advice to you would be three things.
1- offer her reassurances that you still find her attractive (no matter how enlightened, society conditions women to equate their attractiveness with their worth, so it can carry quite a sting to think one’s partner isn’t interested)

2- Let her know that it’s not acceptable to use your insecurities against you, and how that ultimately comes back to her, by making the issue worse.

3- I don’t know if this is an issue for you, but - it’s her responsibility to sort out her own issues. You can encourage her to do some reflection, therapy, talk to friends, etc. You can reassure her and be open and honest/vulnerable about what’s going on for you. But you can’t make her come around - anything she’s dealing with is her responsibility and not yours to try to shoulder.

Now, I’m just some random guy on the internet with no credentials, take or leave anything I say

substantial-copper-snail · July 23, 2024, 7:50pm

Thanks so much for this helpful response. Appreciate it.