Need some guidance/hope

💭 Mental health
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Hey guys, I really feel like I need to share this with someone as I am not comfortable to talk about with anyone irl.

I got a history of porn addiction (nothing too extreme but relatively consistent masturbation ±4 times per week) to porn in the last 5 years, but this summer I have done great progress as I have watched porn only 5-10 times in the past 3 months.

Anyway, I just moved to a new place and ended up meeting an amazing circle of friends and more importantly the best girl (personality and looks) I have ever been with. To note, I have not been in a serious relationship really ever. However, I have had an incredible connection with this girl on a personal and intimate level, and frankly, was very surprised that I ended up getting with her. (I of course found her awesome when we just met, but was not seriously perusing her as I was pretty uncertain of my chances)

We hit it off great, I was highly sexually aroused every time we kissed and got intimate. However, the closer we got to having sex, the more anxious I became and then at a certain point, I lost virtually all attraction to her. It really drives me crazy, because just a few days ago, she was literally everything I ever wanted physically, but now I just can’t get into her. When we were about to have sex, I escaped the situation that I had to be somewhere, but I was really concerned about not getting it up for her. As our relationship matures, I really feel like having sex is the next essential step to more forward, but I just really hit a bump with this whole situation. I really want to be with her, but I am also unsure how to understand myself and this drastic shift I had internally.

Having already escaped intercourse with her twice, I am more anxious than ever, but I really want to do anything I can to be with her. So I would really appreciate all the advice.

I think it is some type of performance anxiety/nervousness or idk what. I also had a
realization that I only have had sex when drunk and never sober - perhaps that could be connected.

Would really appreciate anyone’s advice/support.

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Tell her about it bro. If she is actually worth it then she will understand.

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Thank you for the reply. But what do I say?

That I am nervous and anxious about being intimate with her? That I haven’t been in a proper relationship or that I am potentially recovering from an unhealthy relationship with porn?

I see what you mean, but I fear some of this info might scare her away


Thank you again for taking the time!

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I’ve had a very similar experience. I met my dream woman, we dated for several months before we got intimate. The first two times I could not get hard. She thought it was because I found her unattractive, but it was a combination of porn induced erectile dysfunction and Performance anxiety.

A week later I told her the reality of my situation. We then waited severalïżŒmonths before trying again. Thankfully, I had been not watching porn for a long time, maybe three months, and head built up confidence. Full disclosure, I also took cialis/viagra (I’m 46).

I am feeling the flatline of my brain rewiring and my libido is very low, almost nonexistent, which doesn’t help my performance anxiety. I know that this is temporary and doing exercises found in this app will help. It will help you, also.

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Thanks for sharing this!

Try to not think about sex too much! Enjoy the moments you have with her, let things flow naturally, when you are getting intimate with her, think about how happy you are when you spend time with her and dont think about sex or erections.

If you can practise some meditation etc, you can then go back to that zone if you start feeling nervous.

As someone said in a previous thread, you can also try being open and transparent with her. This could also allow you to remove penetrative sex from the equation initially and let things grow organically.

You have already started a process by opening up on this platform, it shows that you are willing to move things and help yourself. I have no doubt that you will succeed.

Dont beat yourself down by something which has not happened yet
 who knows, this could be the best sex ever! You wont know until you try

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It will scare away the wrong kind of girl for you.

The key is to “own it”. Be full-hearted in your communication of it instead of sharing in shame.

“Hey, I am finding that I like you quite a bit. Sometimes this happens where I’m slow to get him up because I’m distracted thinking about how I want you to enjoy yourself. It has nothing to do with my attraction to you, and is actually because I like you. I may need you to be patient with me while I calm my nerves.”

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if it scares her away, she’s not for you. tell her, just the way you told us

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I second this. Shame only lives in the shadows. Be transparent with her about your struggle. Meerkat above has some good ideas on wording. And remember that you being honest shouldn’t be a deal breaker to anyone worth your love.

“Hey I am sure you noticed how I’ve become kind of avoidant when we are about to get intimate, and I want to shed some light on it, for both of our benefits. In truth, that’s because I’m very anxious to disappoint you, benadryl you are a big deal to me. That’s why I will need some time to physically get it up, while I grow more secure around you and I put my worries to rest. Here’s how maybe you could help me through it, if you would like.” And then you share your ideas on how she might be able to support you, from being patient and accepting your talking about it, to working together to find the recipes that help put you in the right state of body and mind for intercourse.

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I am here for similar reasons and am looking for the same advice and hope. Don’t have anything useful for you other than to say you aren’t alone!

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I agree with everyone else on here, be open and talk to her about your anxieties about being intimate.

There are some good suggestions to what to say on this thead. Remember the exercises on here but also you don’t have to jump I to penetrative sex, there are so many other ways to pleasure each other until your more comfortable to progressing to that.

Regarding not having a proper relationship and watching porn I would only mention this is your comfortable to do so. It is common these days for people not to experience a ‘proper relationship’ so never beat yourself up over that mate.

Wishing you all the best with it mate and remember your not alone!

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