Losing arousal when my wife stimulates herself

I don’t know what to do, I’m a newly married man and I’ve had next to no sex before being with my wife. I’ve had years and years of masturbation and porn so I know that’s part of my problem.
I initiate sex with her and things go great till she says she needs to stimulate herself so she can open up for me, I lose my erection when that happens and the moment is gone. Any advice on what I can do to stay aroused when she is using a toy?

Did you try to participate? Like, take a control over her “stimulation”. I have a similar problem when my wife lubricates herself I lose hardness a bit coz she’s not doing it erotic enough.

Proper fingering techniques could help. You would have to try out different spots and see how she reacts. Find a rhythm and spots she likes. Good ones are on the clitoris (softly bury deeper with a single finger) or the inside of the vagina on the clitoris side, with 1-2 fingers and somewhat firm pressure. Many women also like flat pressure on the clitoris. You can combine both by massaging her inside with 1-2 fingers, then pressing on her clit with your palm.

You may have to get her to really relax for her to enjoy it. Maybe just have a standalone session like that, and later integrate it.