I’ve been suffering from ED since I was 20 and have avoided sex and relationships. I recently had sexual intercourse for the first time at 50 (two times over the course of a month).
I noticed that I was observing the whole process from: hoping to get erect, hoping to complete, to orgasm. I didn’t perceive orgasm as normal but my mind noticed that I ejaculated and I realized that I must have been done.
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Hello there,
That sounds disorientating, and I’m so glad you’ve joined Mojo so you make sense of your experience 
I wonder if you’ve got to the concept of “spectatoring” in Performance anxiety, the second course on Mojo?
Spectatoring describes watching yourself, your arousal, and your penis during sex. It’s usually done with a sense of distance between you and the actual sensations of sex, and it often comes with a ton of unhelpful moods or self-criticism.
I think going over what spectatoring is and how it can mess with anyone’s experience of sex will be really helpful for you.
Seeing as it was your first few times, I’m not surprised you were observing the process a bit! First times are typically a little uncomfortable just because it’s so new and we might be second-guessing if we’re doing things right.
But if you’re worried about spectatoring the next time, fortunately you’ve found the right app! We have lots of helpful information and practical exercises to help you get out of a stress response and put your focus on the act of having sex, the intimacy, and other thoughts and feelings you’d prefer to tune into.
I notice you’re using the word dissociation, so I’ll share a little more information about that. Sometimes a sense of dissociation can signify that your nervous system is instigating its “freeze” response.
Usually on Mojo, we talk about the fight-or-flight response, which occurs when your sympathetic nervous system is aroused by something stressful. But when the sympathetic nervous system gets too aroused, the dorsal vagus nerve can actually shut down the whole system and put you in freeze mode. When you’re wrapped up in an intense freeze state, it’s possible to tune out of what your body is doing, even orgasm.
If you identify with the freeze response, then the breathwork and grounding exercises on Mojo as well as the meditations will be particularly relevant to you.
I’m wishing you lots of luck with making sense of things and feeling better. Let us know if you have any further questions.
To be clear, I never got fully erect and, as I said, I never experienced any orgasm but rather noticed it had happened.