Just wondering if anyone else is dealing with the shame of your first performance anxiety ED? I still am, sometimes it comes up in my mind and I feel immense shame. I know it isn’t helpful, as I am making progress with my girlfriend and working on things - but jeez that shame is so rough (and fairly irrational - it’s just an erection!!). I wonder what the best method is to work on this problem? Would it be the inner coach exercise?
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Thanks for your post. It’s been on my mind the last 2 days bc I can totally relate. Listening to the mental health sessions on this app made me realize just how impactful my first “failure” to get it up several years ago was. I’m a perfectionist, and have been known to give up if I’m not amazing at something. My wife has not made me feel ashamed at all, but my inner critic keeps telling me, “you’ll just fail again. Don’t even try.” I have been following the inner coach thing on here weekly as they suggest. So far, it helps me feel far less ashamed and more accepting of myself, but I still can only have sex in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning if my wife wakes me. I’ve used Viagra twice during the daytime w success but want to give this app a chance to work so I don’t use Viagra often. It would be so incredible to just have sex on demand several times a day without even thinking about it as I used to. I’ve been super diligent with the app and feel more relaxed overall, think less about not getting it up, and do have morning wood more often and stronger, as well as my libido has gone up slightly. I don’t know if this helps, but I wanted to let you know you’re not the only one who has felt shame from my first inability to get it up.
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Thank you, I really appreciate your thoughts! Yeah that shame is what perpetuated it for me I think. I’ve been truly working on the irrationality of it in the past two days. My girlfriend tells me she doesn’t care and loves being with me, and she’s looking forward to slowly working on the issue in the future. Ironically it’s been the best sex I’ve ever had in my LIFE and she says the same of me (even when I have the performance anxiety ED)- I do other things with her in bed, and we both finish, but I’d love to overcome that shame and performance anxiety to have actual penetrative sex with her. Actually my doctor just gave me a heap of viagra, I’m considering it just this once, just so I can experience it with her - what dose is needed for extreme performance anxiety on penetration?
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The boost bedroom confidence meditation inspires me when they say not to push away the bad memory/shameful feeling from the experience; rather, recognize it and then try to replace it with three positive thoughts: “I will get it up, I’ll have a good erection, I’ll have enjoyable sex.” This is easier said than done and I wonder if it could help those of us who perseverate on the shame. Wow, sounds amazing, way to go (best sex)! I would say follow the doctor’s prescription. I’m not sure if you are open to this, but perhaps consider trying the medication for a self masturbation session first, then be open with your supportive girlfriend about giving it a try? Have you tried couples meditation right before sex? Focusing on breathing and good sensations and not thinking about the erection during penetration? The other night I wasn’t sleeping very well, so when my wife woke me up for sex, my inner critic was alive and annoying. I took a minute to focus on breathing and enjoying her touch and fantasizing before rolling over to try and it turns out I was able to be rock hard and enjoy when previously I would have gotten in my head and failed probably. Anyways, pls keep us updated on how things are going. May your feelings of shame be met with kindness, compassion and confidence.
Way to go (best sex of your life), amazing! That has to feel good.
In terms of performance anxiety, I love how in the boosting your confidence meditation, they have you not push away the negative thought; rather, we recognize it and then replace the negative thought (shame, past experience) with three positive thoughts. This might sound something like, “I will get it up, I’ll have a good erection, I’ll have enjoyable sex.” I also love the idea of focusing on sounds, smells, sensual sensations, breathing, instead of, “I’m going to lose my erection.” Could these things help us in the moment? I don’t know. It’s frustrating. I’ve been participating in the app for a while now, trying to employ these things, and while I’ve seen the improvements I mentioned, I still can’t get it up enough during the day.
Would your girlfriend consider couples meditation with you just prior to sex?
I also had a good experience the other night. My wife woke me up in the middle of the night for sex, and I wasn’t sleeping very well. Of course my inner critic told me not to try, I would fail again because I did last time I wasn’t fully asleep. I took a moment to do box breathing, focus on the good sensations my wife was giving me, and fantasize prior to engaging, and I became rock hard and we had great sex! Normally, I would have gone right for it and not lasted or would have only had a semi, so I counted this as a victory.
In terms of Viagra, I would follow the doctor’s prescription if you’re going to try it. I’m not sure how you would feel about this, but perhaps one session of self or couples masturbation having taken Viagra would provide you with an idea of possible response (although penetrative sex is where you are hoping it will help) then share with your girlfriend (who sounds so supportive) the desired outcome. It may give you the confidence you need to break the cycle, and hopefully not become something to depend on.
Please keep us all updated. May you find compassion, confidence and kindness toward yourself in place of shame