Being present, shutting down the parts of me that want to defend myself or be right, and be more questionable in how I relate to how others may be feeling. It’s really hard to do and uncomfortable!
We rarely argue. Generally speaking we both sense when the other has been triggered or has a feeling of some clouds over their head and we straight up ask each other to share. We respect each other’s boundaries. I do tend to overthink and often get caught in brief feelings of insecurity but these I recognize and ask my partner for reassurance.
Ones involving snoring and sleep.
Conflict around intimacy, and lack of communication
I need to stop taking personal responsibility for my wife’s emotional response and thinking my job in an argument is to stop any negative emotions . All emotions are healthy and part of a good relationship. I need to allow her to feel these things through to the end because convincing somebody to bottle their emotions no matter how well meaning is not a win it’s a loss. We have talked a lot about how men and women can differ in these moments due to arguments and we are seeing the other side of these arguments a lot more.
I think my wife would love it if I was suddenly this ‘manly man’ who did all the big jobs in the house and took the lead on things. I find this massively threatening because she’s been saying for years that she prefers to do those things, so if I do it I think I’ll screw it up and also that she won’t help or advise me, she’ll just let me fuck up and then laugh at me.
Just need a partner now. But I need to learn communication skulls better. I statements and repeating tjings
My wife has said things like she ‘doesn’t feel like a woman’ and also that she ‘feels like my mummy’. This indicates a pretty major conflict in our relationship because she’s saying 1) I don’t meet her needs (how the hell do I make her feel like a woman??) and that she’s meeting my needs in a way that doesn’t feel good to her. I think there’s a small chance we can get through this but I don’t know how.
work
How to actively listen more and think before I speak more.
Sometimes being too real is not good
I think I have to work on arguments about things I have very strong opinions about and I disagree with the other person. Usually I am trying to convince the other that my point is the solution, or the truth, but it is not always the case that one has to arrive to a solution. The point is that sometimes we just need to listen to each other, regardless of whether one is convinced about the other’s point. There doesn’t need to be a winner.
My fiancé says my facial expressions when I feel strongly against something. I don’t have to verbally say what my opinion is but she says my facial expressions says it all and it bothers her. I’m still trying to figure how to get around that without getting botox or turning into a robot. Facial expressions are a reflex right? As impossible as it sounds, I’m gladly taking any advice or suggestions to somehow suppress my negative facial expressions.
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I have worked on the instinct of giving advice to the point where it can be a bit dismissive of their struggle. Also learning how to allow someone to always taking the reins in working through the own problems even if I feel like the answer is clear to me in that moment. For me, my issue is more on voicing my own problems without feeling like I need to immediately attach the solutions. If I provide a solution, then the problem won’t upset people when I bring it up - is how I feel. The reality is that I don’t give the people I love the opportunity to help me work to solutions, and to reward my vulnerability. I hope I can recognise more safe spaces in my life and not have to bend over backwards to present issues within those spaces in an inoffensive way.
I need to work on not avoiding conflict in general.
I have found that my partner gets very defensive and this generally causes me to not share or continue the conversation.
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Conflict doesn’t disappear, it snowballs. If you care about someone, they need to know the truth. Conflict should happen early and often enough to keep it small before it grows.
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I think I’ve tried to avoid conflict by numbing myself and being apathetic. Which doesn’t work.
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She blocks out troubles by binge watching tv. I need strategies to gain her full attention. I surrender possible moments of intimacy to her tv addiction
Sometimes (actually quite a lot) I practice, out loud what I’m going to say… if it’s a tricky topic… then kinda, fine tune how it might sound… sometimes it helps keep things positive…
I really identify with people who’ve talked about how their wife is not made to feel like a woman, and where their wife is in some senses a caregiver / mother to them. I realise I often don’t ask her how she feels and what she needs, without reverting back to my own needs. At the same time, if I have a trigger and an underlying need that I don’t want to name because it might anger her, I get grumpy and silent rather than confront it. I will definitely try to change this.