Tonight, I’m going dancing and there will be someone there with whom I have mad chemistry. A few weeks back, in a similar setting, it led to sex after the party, during which I wasn’t able to get hard. I was able to communicate with her on the reasons and on what works to get me going, and the two of us do have a special emotional connection. There is a possibility that tonight’s party leads to sex again, as she will be there and we have been bonding a lot over the last couple weeks.
Yet, I’m already noticing the negative self talk starting it’s sabotage work. “Again I won’t be able to get hard”. “If she doesn’t want sex tonight, of course it will be because I stayed limp last time”. “I don’t trust my penis to perform tonight”.
First, where does it fall? We have a lot going on. Mind reading, generalisation, catastrophising, and claims that I might be able to predict the future, plus the foundations of some future sabotage tactics if for whatever reason, there is no sex tonight.
Now let’s write down some counter arguing to all this.
Dude, over the last 12 months you have had ample evidence that you can get hard, porn has proven that. And partnered sex has proven that you can get and maintain an erection sufficient for complete penetrative sex acts. You have a recipe for success: allow yourself to take the time and to enjoy the stimulation rather than monitoring your erection. You know it works, and if it takes 10 minutes to get there, it’s okay, that gives you time to get your fingers busy and you know how arousing it is to pleasure a woman. So dude, don’t play the game with one hand tied in your back: you know what works, communicate your needs, and you know that she has a kind and loving heart and will happily help you through it.
You will be in good hands, literally and metaphorically, and she wants to be your partner through that.
Now if she doesn’t want to have sex, what kind of reasons could there be, that are more likely that the fact I want able to get hard? She could be tired, not feeling it because of any example of shit happening in people’s lives, be on her period, or otherwise physically indisposed.
And what if we go for it, and I still can’t get hard? Let’s prepare some ammo: dude, you have been dancing for 6 hours, you’re allowed to feel tired in your body and your mind. Have you communicated your needs to get the beast going and then followed through in action, or have you been playing hardcore mode in your mind like last week?
So you see, dude, your inner critic is using logically unsound arguments, and is scheming against you both to set you up for failure, and to punish you some more after with a good old “I told you so”.
Tonight, you will have a wonderful time dancing with the girl of your dreams, enjoying a body chemistry like you’ve never experienced before her. If it leads to sex, you have now reviewed extensive and strong counter points to the inner critic, and you have a game plan in communication and in actions to maximise your chances for your penis to be erect and have a fantastic time. Tonight, if sex happens, you will blow her mind with the mad finger and tongue skills you’ve acquired, and you will witness her orgasms and this will help you get out of your head and in the moment, which you know is what you need to get erect. And then, you will bring in your penis game and finish and come and she will love seeing how much pleasure she gave you. And you will be fucking proud you yourself, and of your penis, and you’ll have more evidence that things can work out well for you.
Now give yourself a high five, for a fantastic job giving yourself a solid pep talk and chasing the demons away.
Well done, dude.
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It sounds like you just really want it to work out with this woman because as you say, she’s the girl of your dreams, and that naturally leads to extra pressure you’re putting on yourself because you want this to turn into something more serious. If the chemistry is that good, then just trust it to find a way. You can also delay gratification, and let me the dancing be a tease for what can come. Let it build up rather than thinking about sex being the final outcome, as if it going wrong in the bedroom undoes the rest of the night. Best of luck man!
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hey shoutout to you for this post, love the positive self talk and frame of mind!!