I am 31 years old and I have been married for almost 2 years now, I never had any problem with sex until we decided to get pregnant for the first time couple of months ago. The stress of performing on the days of ovulation but with out seeing any positive result got to me and ED happened on a particular day when I was too tired. That scared me and I immediately tried to have sex again with in couple of days but the anxiety was too much and it happened again. Since then I found mojo and I am taking counseling as well and I am really glad to see so many people facing the same issue, I thought I was the only one. I am definitely seeing improvement with my penis getting hard when I am with my wife, it used to get soft immediately after penetration but I recently observed that I was able to stay longer inside after penetration even though I didn’t climax. Now my question is, our 2nd anniversary is coming up and I am thinking of taking viagra since it’s an important occasion and don’t want to disappoint my wife even though she says it’s not needed and we don’t need to have sex just because it’s anniversary, what do you guys suggest, I know Viagra helps but I am just reluctant to take it because I am worried I might get addicted to it and since it’s an easy fix.
Hey man, I have basically the same story and recommend just trusting the process. Maybe buy some toys for the wife to make her time nicer, while taking away some pressure? You’ll be fine my man, so don’t stress too much about this.
Thank you so much, that is a good idea. I will try that.
I don’t think trying Viagra has to be totally off-limits, but it definitely doesn’t fix the underlying problem. I started using it years ago and did come to rely on it 100%. I’d encourage you to focus on other methods found in Mojo and elsewhere to help you calm down, focus on your sensations and why you’re having sex, even question what makes sex fulfilling to both of you, and let your body do its thing without expectation. I know—easier said than done—but I’m convinced that’s the best way to get back on track and really have even better sex than before. Maybe do something other than have high-pressure sex on your anniversary? I totally know what that feels like and it’s part of a narrative that I believe is closely tied to the problem.
To second this reply… I have been seeing someone recently and although our sex life is average at best, when I let go of expectation/anxiety/performance worries, thats when things drastically improved. I know we all want proactive solutions but in this case acceptance, compassion, patience…towards yoursef and from your partner…these are the qualities that will help. Best of luck!
Thank you, unfortunately my anniversary date has passed by the time replies came on my post. We did try to have sex during my anniversary and I got hard while we were in bed and it stayed that way but even though I am not fully aroused I made a mistake of penetrating which caused it to become soft after 45 seconds.I observed that more than anxiety, lack of full arousal caused this. I should have spent more time in foreplay instead of jumping directly to that, anyways Its a lesson learnt and now that’s done, I will continue my work on reducing my anxiety by meditation, mindfulness etc. instead of pills. Just curious, you said you were depending on pills 100% right, did you have any health side effects because of that and are you now off them?
Agreed, support and understanding from your partner really matters while you are working on this.
Sorry to hear it didn’t go great, but it’s a process. I think the most important thing is to not feel defeated, and going in without the expectation of getting hard or getting off is a good way to get more comfortable and confident with sex. Have you tried Sensate Focus? It’s basically exploring touch and sensations with your partner without those expectations, gradually building up to sex. Another, more comprehensive plan is found in Chapter 8 of this book:
Coping with Erectile Dysfunction: How to Regain Confidence & Enjoy Great Sex
Losing your erection right at penetration is very common—I’ve heard a lot of guys here mention that—I don’t know if it’s because that’s the moment the anxiety kicks in or what. I tend to lose my erection eventually after penetration but I think that’s at least in part due to lack of stimulation as she loosens up and gets wetter?
First thing to remember is it’s not over at that point. I just pull out and we work on each other with our hands. We both get off better that way. Erections naturally come and go in a session, so just stay relaxed and shift gears. Go back to foreplay or other pleasurable things. Have a backup plan.
As for the effect of Viagra, I took low dose (20 mg) and didn’t feel many side effects. No long-term effects I’m aware of. I don’t think it’s “addictive,” but can definitely become a crutch. I’ve stopped taking it, and we’ve stopped sex for several weeks now to reset. We had a very regular once-a-week session in our routine for years that became fraught with expectations and logistical challenges, so I want/need to break out of that and start fresh. Time is a challenge now (three kids and such), but I am intending to go through the steps outlined in the book I mentioned above.
Thanks for the great tips and information, I will definitely keep that in mind. One another thing that I found really helpful was maintaining a cooler temperature in bedroom, when it is cold, we snuggle and that creates a pleasurable sensation which makes me hard instantly and instead of penetrating immediately which makes me soft, I keep it hard and do a bit of foreplay until I know I am ready. The longer I do foreplay, the more aroused I get which sometimes makes me cum with out even penetration or masturbation because of how much aroused I was.
It sounds like you know your body well, which helps you navigate the challenges. That idea of arousal, getting fully charged before attempting penetration, is interesting. I have found there are different levels of arousal that I bring to any session that can definitely affect how durable my erection is. That feeling of being so aroused that you want to burst is amazing. Someone explained that to me as your penis getting harder and harder to make sure you cum. Focusing on sensations is a great way to stay out of your head and in your body.
Hate to say but if your ed is mental viagra doesn’t help. Short of placebo effect. Been there and tried it. Stick with the program and I mean really stick with it. Truly meditating once a day and breathing exercises. After a month of truly sticking to that I can honestly say I’m starting to get better.
From what I heard from others in the community(eg: @noisy-white-lizard), Viagra helps in the short term but if you don’t work on your underlying anxiety or stress, you will start to rely on it completely and then the anxiety will reach a point (kind of like a tipping point) where even Viagra won’t help. The program works, I use the program along with talking to a counselor and I am seeing great results but it takes time to completely overcome ED (May be 2-5 months) and since we are trying for pregnancy, timing is crucial and most of the doctors whom I met prescribed me Viagra which I haven’t used it so far but I have decided to use it when I really need to while I work on my anxiety issues in parallel. Having said that, it’s great that you are making progress, keep it up try to include reverse kegels as well along with meditation and mindfulness, you will see great results.