Feeling envious about my partner or other men

I feel so inadequate around my boyfriend. I’m constantly telling myself how much better he is than me. My sexdrive is more on the hypersexual side, but my ability to get an election or keep one doesn’t match my drive. My boyfriend is entirely opposite, very easily aroused. Stronger, faster, harder erections. Better control over it too. But he is not in the mood even half as often as I am. Maybe I over sexualize too many things? But I’m ALWAYS looking at him, first enjoying my veiw, then envy sets in, my mind races around comparing the two of us (past experiences, encounters, situations, capabilities) I feel my mood drop as I can’t get out of my head hoe much I envy him and his ability to perform so flawlessly every time. I get jealous thinking about anyone he’s been with in the past. (How they got to enjoy him in ways I still have not) it drives me insane and i can NEVER shake this feeling. What can I do?

Have you tried talking to him directly about your concerns?

You appear to have made a number of unflattering and unfair observations about yourself, and it could be helpful to share your feelings about the implications of these with him.

It is very challenging to feel a sense of comparison to others, especially when we do this to ourselves. And it’s a losing game: we need to validate ourselves and the unique qualities that we offer others and the world, instead of worrying about “beating” everyone else.

Perhaps he would be able to highlight all the things that he likes about you and why he is with you in the first place. There are likely to be a number of things that he envies about you and how easily you appear to navigate some parts of life in a way that he’s not able to.

And rather than focus on your acute sense of envy, could re-focus on how he could give you pleasure (perhaps in ways that have nothing to do with erections)? This would enable him to give you pleasure, you to receive it and both of you to reconnect in a way that may be lacking at present.

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Thank you for your insight. I haven’t ever told him exactly what’s on my mind. I find it very embarrassing and a bit pathetic. I wish I could just turn off the sexual part of my brain, as it tends to intrude on so much of my everyday life. Even after having an orgasm, I still think about sex and have the desire to continue. I don’t feel that it’s healthy.

Your post is so timely for me as I posted something very similar on another platform. I have always been so envious of my partners for having erections and orgasms so easily while I am struggling so much, using cialis for my erections and for being literally incapable of reaching orgasms.

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Have you ever heard of Attachment theory? It has interesting models to understand and navigate exactly this kind of behaviour you’re experiencing. It might be helpful. A book my therapist got me into is “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It helped me immensely and my husband joined me in reading it when I started sharing what I was learning.

We have solved a lot of issues and increased intimacy 100 fold with this model.

I can relate to being more hyper sexual with performance issues while my husband has less than half the libido and a thousand times the arousal response and amazing erections. And he cums so easily, unlike me. I don’t get jealous of it but I sure do admire it (and let’s be honest I thoroughly enjoy leveraging it in bed lol).

It’s kind of nice to hear someone with relatable issues. I ordered that book right away. Hope some good will come form ot. Thank you for that. How long have you and your husband been together?

We’ve been together for ten years. Hopefully the book is helpful - if not then sorry! lol.

The reason I got into attachment theory is because we just opened our relationship 3 months ago after tens years of monogomy. I was the one that wanted to open but have such strong jealousy thinking of him being with other people and I knew I had to deal with that in order to have a successful open relationship. So when you talked about jealousy the attachment model came to mind. Different kind of jealousy but similar vibes to it.

Good luck!

Ten years, good for you! Yeah… I get hardcore jealous thinking of him anyone else, and I hold alot of envy for him being the stud he is. It sucks. I need to learn how to deal with these thoughts and feelings before I suffer the consequences. I’m not comfortable talking with him or anyone else about the matter either. So that doesn’t help.

Oh, also it doesn’t help that he’s done alot of things with other people that he won’t do with me :confused: