Downward mental spiral

I usually take long to ejaculate and it’s never been a problem for hookups but now I’m dating and the woman I’m with thinks she is the problem. Never really thought about it until then and now I seem to be so focused on cumming that I start getting soft. This experience scared me into thinking I had a problem to where now I’m just stressing out over staying hard to where now that is my main concern. I have no trouble with erections during foreplay or anything for that matter but the second we start having sex, I start overthinking and everything stops. Hating this experience right now

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I feel you, man. I had a relationship once with someone who I wasn’t honest about in terms of the shame I was feeling. She internalised it (unfairly; it was on me), and my most sincere advice is to be as clear as you can about how you feel—both in terms of sex and around her.

That includes admitting that you don’t want to disappoint her, but you might be built differently to what she is used to, and you just want the two of you ro be comfortable with one another.

Tell her you’ve always been that way, that it isn’t new. The message there is that it’s not her specifically; it’s just how your own pace happens to be. Let her know you’re still really enjoying it but you just take a while to get to that really excited point. Remind her that other people have the opposite problem and that both situations are totally normal.

Perhaps remain a little wary if she is so insecure she’s just looking for something to attach it to—that can require quite a bit of work with a psychologist for some people, and it may negatively affect you in the interim if you’re feeling at all guilty about it (which it seems you are by your physiological reaction).

You should get a decent idea about where you’re at when you have that convo, but don’t judge her for struggling with that at first. Ultimately, if she wants honesty from you she needs to be honest herself, too, but overcoming our insecurities is always tough, especially if you’re young (ie. less than 30).

But it doesn’t all have to come out in one convo either. Talk it through, maybe bring it up before sex sometimes to remind her (ideally, while you’re still in a fairy cozy or early phase of intimacy). The particulars matter less than just putting your experience out there and being really clear and honest about it. She should reciprocate, and that comfort should help counteract this response you’ve been having.

Go well, brother.

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