Apply nonviolent communication to a recent conflict

A friend keeps bring up an incident from the past that triggered me. It reminded me of a time that I didn’t handle it well. It’s also funny that they are still holding onto it. When they brought it up last time, I responded with frustration.

Been married for 30+ years. Sec - or lack thereof - has always been our biggest fight. I felt neglected and never seemed to be a priority in my wife’s life. Work, bills, kids, other random people - there was always something. Throw in that my wife had migraines frequently and I became resentful. We’ve slowly worked out way back to a good place, but I wish I’d have had this info back then. I’m still working through my resentment but what’s in the past is in the past. I’m trying to focus on our life NOW.

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A former friend was very jealous and would center himself in my romantic relationships. Left me feeling exhausted and smothered. We got into a huge fight where I old him that he was the cause of all his problems. We low blowed each other and things got really ugly. That situation taught how to avoid saying the first thing that comes to mind and to not enter an argument with the intention to hurt the other person.

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When partners become defensive I don’t respond well. Instead of asking what they are feeling or needing, I judge them as unable to keep a reasonable tone to the discussion

My reactions are usually defensive. I feel attacked so attack back rather than thinking about what the other person is feeling and needing. I prepare my response in my head whilst the conversation is happening so I miss the messages

My partner can sometimes be defensive and quick with her answers before thinking fully. This causes me to become frustrated and the problem can sometimes escalate rather than both us explain how we are feeling.

When talking about my ED / PE or its effects on our relationship, I certainly don’t name when I feel fragile or insecure. I love the idea that I can own and say that I need a certain level of closeness and intimacy and when I don’t get that it makes me feel resentful and insecure. I’ll try to be more honest about this.

I can see this much better now. Their feeling was overwhelm, and resentment at having to be the adult and take on the thinking and emotions that go with organising most of the kids’ things like laundry, school stuff like non uniform day or ingredients for cookery, etc. They needed to feel understood and acknowledged that they had all this work, and supported by me in taking some of it on.

I also think they are feeling insecure and unattractive because of my ED and because of getting older and physical changes that come with it. They need to feel they can be sexual like they used to without feeling like they need to mother me and own my sexual insecurity. I wish I could have seen this then and will try to name these guesses if they come up in future.

Partner very quick to shut down and is embarrassed when talking about her and my needs. Need to adopt a more open approach.

It is hard to acknowledge one’s feelings and needs

my wife shuts down if I ask her anything about how she’s feeling

If I state that I need acceptance, she feels insecure about not being good enough, and it may generate anxiety. But if I talk about me, my experience, if I take responsibility, then she relaxes. She still feels insecure, but she will eventually, sometimes after a few days, name what she felt.

I think she need Trust and Acceptance, she feel insecure. and I need Love, Trust and Warmth

Trust

I feel frustrated, insecure, and self conscious because of my ED.
I’d guess she feels the same, but not about me or the erection issues I have. We’ve talked about that, and she is totally supportive and not bothered. She has her own hangups about her physical appearance. I’d also guess she needs to feel loved, accepted, and supported. Basically what I need in my journey to solve my ED issue.

I’ve just realised that I really don’t have a lot of conflict in my life. That suggests to me that I must simply be avoiding it.

I feel frustrated at times and the small things set me off.

I feel frustrated when my wife turns me down but won’t/can’t telle the real why.

alondra my friend in my work told me to fuck off because I only help with her voice because her voice is screeching and I say a bad comment about that.
her feeling: uncomfortable,
need:he need rest,she is stress
my feeling:uncomfortable
need:I need calm because her voice is annoying.

My ex was upset that sex wasn’t as good as she had hoped it would be. She felt frustrated and disappointed. She needed to be heard and acknowledged.

I felt alienated and overwhelmed. I needed reassurance and encouragement.